making friends with the skeletons in my closet.

I had a little conversation with my friend, F the other day.

What I get to hear more these days, and of course, I think this is because of my age, is that they are expecting; expecting to become parents.

For someone who doesn't naturally have that mother nature kind of thing, or perhaps just another fear of all things too responsible, I found the news both exciting and overwhelming.

Nevertheless, of course it is something that I congratulate those with great respect.

I am not entirely sure when my phobia of parenthood came apparent. 
But what I recall very clearly is those memories of my mother telling me, 'Wait until you have your own and then you will know what it is like. I so wish you have one just like you'.

I think my dad seldom said the same thing too. 
Somewhere along those lines of which, often sounded more like a curse than a well wish.


I kind of understand why now. And with regret, I have no doubt that it must have been so difficult for them to cope with a tear away teenager, whose only wish had been nothing but unconventional in all traditional senses of my own culture, that came as a chronic headache. 
How were they supposed to know how to handle and deal with such, when everything was first time and a new experience for them? 
At the end of the day, they were learning, weren't they? Learning to be good parents. Learning to raise us well to become a decent grown ups who can represent the family for all those years to come.


As much as I was given plenty of stuff to fill my days with, and as much as I really did appreciated my parents had to work hard to provide all those things that we took advantages of, it was always quite difficult to accept they had to work as much as they did. 
In my dream world, my dad was at work and mum was always around us; preparing our pack lunches that we'll be proud to brag about, spending afternoon playing fun games together, keeping us a good company to consolidate every little trouble we're going through and singing along while cooking up an amazing supper for her loving husband whose day work must have been relentless and restless.
But in reality, things didn't quite happen that way.


I think maybe that was why.
It is not that I don't want to have children or I am not maternal enough. It's just, that I seem to struggle to come to terms with the possibilities of failing to provide my dream world. Of which, fundamentally, it is absolutely ridiculous or at least quite impossible idea these day and age. 
I look around of all proud parents of this what I'd call, financially disrupted time of gloominess, and actually every mums and dads are doing marvellously amazing jobs. I am not sure how they do it, but they all seem to manage it one way or the other and most importantly, be happy.
That sense of being complete as a part of natural progress of your endearing love and the reward of your hard work, the children themselves comes as a invaluable joy and an achievement. 


Come to think of it, it does all make sense.
It's just, it took me all these years to revisit my childhood to realise what has caused this issue.  And going back to the beginning, my friend and I both agreed, we are only grown-ups because of those realisations of our issues. The ability to recognise our issues gives us the ultimate power to change and to better ourselves. 
We all thrive to be good and well and this cannot be possibly happening without making friends with those nasty skeletons in our closet.

Orange glazed beets and carrots
Serves 4 as side


mixture of different varieties of carrots and beetroots
1 juice of orange
1/2 lemon juice
1/2 tbsp coriander seed, crushed
handful of mint, chopped
good drizzle honey
some toasted sesame seeds
pinch of salt and pepper
some olive oil


I'm sure most of you will have your own ways of roasting these beautiful vegetables. But if you haven't tried this combinations of flavours before, I recommend you to give it a go. It is deliciously sticky, fruity and fragrant. Although roasted, last drizzle of mint gives wonderful freshness to the dish. 
Just as a reference, I used 5 small orange carrots, 4 small purple carrots and 3 medium sized beetroots.


Preheat the oven at 180º.
Chop your beets and carrots however you like. I tend to half them in length way or quarter them of they are too big. Make sure they are all similar in size to ensure even cook. I peeled my beets and carrots but again, it is entirely up to you.
Put them in a roasting tray and dress them with oil, coriander seeds, freshly squeezed orange juice. Season them with salt and pepper.
Roast them for about 30mins then drizzle a good helping of honey and roast them for further 10mins or until they're tender.


While that's cooking, make mint dressing by mixing chopped mints and lemon juice together with pinch of salt.


When beet and carrots are ready, toss them with mint dressing and some toasted sesame seeds.

We are the effects of the cause.