love: lost and found.

It has been a while, again. I know.
Maybe you were wondering where I had gone all this time. 
Maybe you were thinking I had disappeared to somewhere exotic on our honeymoon; having too much fun, and forgotten all about that you ever existed.
But the truth is, I have been too busy looking for the little heart of mine that still wishes to live the every minutes of our Westival, and found it almost impossible to retrieve myself back into the reality quite as so soon as I had hoped for.

Back in March 23rd, on our 9th anniversary, when I made that little speech back at our flat, I couldn't rescue myself from tears thinking of one person who wasn't there to witness the moments of our union; who I knew very well, would joyfully have shared my tears.
She might have squeezed my hands while helping me to dry my eyes, just to let me know that she's there, in the moment, with me. She might even have hugged me tightly with all her warmth to comfort me. And I know she would have, most definitely given me the wettest kisses on my cheeks that I found hard to wipe off, because.., I loved her love.
I knew her well, and on our wedding day when I made that speech, feeling every presence of her around me, I could barely finish the last sentence.

Exactly two years ago, on 23rd of March, when Toby accidentally scratched the wheels of our beloved car 'Merry Edna' named after Toby's nan, we both hoped in anger, that maybe it was the sign of nannie telling us the flat we were about to view was the one.
Later that evening, Toby and I raised our glasses with an excitement that finally the long search of finding our dream home may have come to an end, and thought of nannie who would have been so pleased to hear that we found our nest, at last.

In March 23rd 2009, I thanked nannie Dubery for her kind acceptance and generous loving, and said my good-bye for the one last time.
I bursted into tears whispering how sorry I was that I didn't come back soon enough to see her smile again. I told her quietly that I loved her, and promised her I would always be a good girl to Toby.
I remember so clearly, the very last day I saw her back at the hospital few weeks before her funeral. 
Nannie held my hand with her fragile hands and told me with smile that I was a good girl, and asked to come back soon to see her again.
To this date, I still feel so bad that I couldn't have made another journey to the hospital before she passed away. 
At her funeral, Toby held my hands tightly and comforted me with the little words of wisdom, just like nannie used to. 
He said, nannie was finally happy that now she's with granddad. And we should all be very happy that she found the peace in him.
Love; that lost her soul, that got found in eternity.

Earlier last month, when my family came to join our Westival, going through our wedding photographs they hadn't seen, my mum was surprised to see the snow in England in March. She said in Korea, snow on your wedding day means the wealth is wished upon you. 
I told her that I think it was nannie Dubery out on her little trip down to earth to spend the day with us. 
And as we were all hoping for the good weather for our much anticipated wedding festival, I whispered a little prayer to nannie to shine her lights on us, just like many other old times.

 

A huge thank you to all of you who helped us to create such an incredible weekend.
Max and Lucinda at the Park Farm were so helpful, and their 50 acre of private field was just stunning. The mother and daughter team of Vintage Scoops, Vic and Jo served up some of the most delicious ice creams. 
Henning and Kasia, the proud owner of the Taco Truck was one of the most loveliest and kindest people I've dealt with in this process of planning a huge party. And their taco is just spectacular!
And last but not the least, thank you Al, for capturing every moments of our special day. Every time I look at it, my emotions still run so high.
Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Baked Eggs with Lightly Spiced Tomato Jam
Serves 2

for the baked eggs
4 medium to large free range eggs
1 banana shallot, finely sliced
2-3 streaky bacon rashers (substitute with toasted bread crumbs if making for vegetarian)
2tbsp creme fraiche or natural yogurt
handful of chopped dill
some butter
some rapeseed oil
salt and pepper 

for the tomato jam (inspired by Tomato Jam NY Times)
940g mixed tomatoes, coarsely chopped 
160g red peppers, roughly chopped
50g mixed chilli, deseeded and roughly chopped
25g ginger, roughly chopped
1 chipotle chilli, cut into small flakes
300g jam sugar
50ml balsamic vinegar
1 1/2tsp cumin seed
10 cloves
1tsp cinnamon
good handful of fresh thyme
1tsp malden salt

Okay, please let me tell you couple of things about this recipe.
One: you know one of those weekends when you have your friends and family staying over and you're in serious needs of mean cooked breakfast to show off your hospitality, this is it!
Two: this tomato jam in your fridge will rescue you from need-something-quick moments, turing everything into tangy sticky saucy culinary satisfaction, and the left over jars that you've given to your friends will make them think you are one cooking genius!

This recipe will make about 1pint of tomato jam. Having said that, this relies heavily on the ripeness of the tomatoes you're using and the thickness of the final jam.
There isn't any rules as such on how thick it should be. Just go with however you like it. If you make it slightly loose, it will be more like a pourable posh tomato ketchup. I like mine quite thick and sticky, so I can smother generously over the cracker with some mature cheddar.
This jam is amazing with bacon sandwich. It goes really well with grilled portobello mushrooms stuffed with some fried garlic, onion and chilli flakes, and a spoonful of jam in the middle with a good helping of grated cheese. It is also brilliant quick marinade to roast the jointed chicken with extra squeeze of lemon and crushed garlic.

Making the tomato jam is very simple, once you have all ingredients ready. 
I use lots of different types of tomatoes; half of the quantity is ripe vine tomatoes and the other half is made up with plum and cherry tomatoes.
Again with chilli, use different strength. I use some very hot ones like bird eye chilli and scotch bonnet, mixed with some very mild ones.
Using your food processor, blitz red peppers, chilli and ginger into fine flecks. They should have paste consistency with bits.
Ground all spices. Put all ingredients into large sauce pan, bring to boil, then simmer over low heat for about an hour and half.
Make sure to stir every so often to prevent the jam from sticking to the bottom of the pan and burning.
When ready, cool them down ever so slightly and decant them into the sterilised jam jars.
This will last you about a week in the fridge. However, if you use the canning methods to preserve the jars, it will keep up to a year; stored in a dark and cool place.

That settled, lets move on to bake some eggs.
Start by gently frying the shallots in some oil over medium heat for 5-10mins until golden and slightly crisped up around the edges. Set aside.
Grill or fry the bacon rashers until very crisp. Break them into fine crumbs and set aside.
Lightly butter your choice of baking dishes.
Sprinkle some fried shallots into the individual dish, reserving some for the top. Spoon in the 1tbsp creme fraiche into the dish, crack 2 eggs each per person, rest of the shallots, sprinkle chopped dill and season well with pinch of flaky malden salt and lots of cracked black pepper.
Place the ramekins into the large baking tray and fill the tray with hot water only half way up to the outside of ramekins.
Bake them for around 12mins or until eggs are set to your liking at 180º.
When ready, take them out carefully and garnish it with bacon crumbs.
Serve it with toasted sourdough; it's delish!

It's a shame that I cannot find any old picture of nannie to share with you. 
But maybe, I hope we all have our own nannie Dubery somewhere who lives deep inside of us; who quietly carries us through; who gives us the strength to believe in love that sometimes gets lost, and other times... gets found again.

I am yet to find myself to go through the going-cold-turkey moments as my memories of the highs of Westival faint out. 
But as amazing as it is to be fed off on those wonderful snippets of the past, I also know that those past were once present.
And for now, I am glad to be back in this space.

I am happy that you are.

I know this sounds really really bad.
Mum, please just look away if you are reading this first sentence as I am about to explore our inseparable love-hate relationship. 
But my dear readers, I will be honest with you.

In the past, if my phone displays 'mum_mob', I used to hesitate. 

I hesitated big time because, a) she tends to ring me when it is not really appropriate time for me, b) from my experience, I know almost every time she probably won't be in a good mood when she calls me, and c) sometimes it is a real struggle for me to comprehend what it is exactly upsetting my mother. 
For instance, one Saturday evening, I'd just got in from work and just as I sat down, even before I got changed, my mum's on the phone. Bear in mind and please understand, it had been a long old hard day. My journey home was awful due to the chaotic traffic caused by  rugby match. I was tired, hungry, hot and bothered quite frankly.
One thing and the only thing that I did not wish to do, and could not put up with on that particular evening, was to have my mum on the other side of the line and listening to yet, another, repetitive, stories of her non apparent issues. Yes, I am sorry, but I said it.

My mother has this habit of repeating her opinions. 
It is chronic as far as I am concerned. If it happens to be a negative one, she goes on for even longer. She mostly only ever rings me when things aren't quite brilliant. 
It seems as though, she somehow finds comfort from ventilating the stuff out to this poor soul. 
But I find that really hard so I tend to shut it out. It is not exactly easy to cope with the fact that I cannot physically help her due to the long distance. With just over five and a half thousand miles between us, to be precise, and although my head will tell me there is nothing I could do about it, I'll indeed still feel guilty. 

But lately, she seems a bit different. In a good way, of course.
Like the other Wednesday for example, I was in the middle of doing something when my phone went. I realised it has been a long time since I spoke to her last and thought to myself I'd better answer.
'' I hear you've been busy talking to your little sister. Did you not call me because you don't want to speak to me these days?''
I laughed. 
I could hear her giggling while trying hard to put on a serious voice to have me on. I remember this mum, whose sense of humour was always celebrated by her children and who used to be the master of seeing the funny side of every story.
For the first time in a very long while, I felt warm inside. I found the comfort in her. I felt strong that I had my mum back. 

Like her, I could see the funny side of this, us.

Eggy Bread with Balsamic Strawberries

for the bread
few slices of bread
couple of eggs, lightly beaten
drop of milk
pinch of salt
some ground cinnamon
some sugar
some butter and little olive oil

for the strawberries
150g sweet English strawberries, halved or quartered
2tbsp balsamic vinegar
1tsp vanilla sugar
some freshly cracked black pepper
few mint leaves, finely sliced

for the garnish
dollop of natural yogurt
toasted pistachio nuts, roughly chopped

I love eggy bread. When I was young, but old enough to be in the kitchen, I used to make this a lot for my sister and brother. My original version of first ever eggy bread is nowhere near as fancy as this, but the big bowl of crunchy brown sugar always made it delicious.
This version has lots of elements that will be appreciated by more educated palate, like balsamic marinaded strawberries with cracked black pepper. It is sweet, sticky and spicy. This luxurious strawberries keep the whole thing very fresh; alive.

First, you need to marinade strawberries as this will give strawberries some time to take up on those flavours that you're about to add.
It is very simple to do this. Get a large bowl, put strawberries, balsamic vinegar, sugar and black pepper. Mix them well, cover it up and leave them in the fridge as long as you can. Anything between 20mins to overnight will be fine. When you're ready to serve stir in the mint to re-introduce the freshness.

Make the egg mixture by whisking the eggs with little milk to loosen it up. Season it with pinch of salt and dunk the bread into the mixture. When they soaked up the mixture, pan fry them with little butter until golden brown and sprinkle with some sugar and cinnamon.
I fry mine with little drizzle of olive oil as well as butter to stop the butter burning.

Spoon the strawberries onto your eggy bread with a good dollop of natural yogurt, and don't forget to sprinkle some chopped pistachio nuts for the extra crunch.
Hope you enjoy.

She says, 'Now I lost everything, I can see what I couldn't see back then. And you're right. I was too busy looking for what was not there, almost forgot to appreciate what I had all along... I'm sorry if I have been a depressing company at times but I am happy now, content where I am and who I am.'

Being content where we are, I am very happy for you, mum.