love: lost and found.

It has been a while, again. I know.
Maybe you were wondering where I had gone all this time. 
Maybe you were thinking I had disappeared to somewhere exotic on our honeymoon; having too much fun, and forgotten all about that you ever existed.
But the truth is, I have been too busy looking for the little heart of mine that still wishes to live the every minutes of our Westival, and found it almost impossible to retrieve myself back into the reality quite as so soon as I had hoped for.

Back in March 23rd, on our 9th anniversary, when I made that little speech back at our flat, I couldn't rescue myself from tears thinking of one person who wasn't there to witness the moments of our union; who I knew very well, would joyfully have shared my tears.
She might have squeezed my hands while helping me to dry my eyes, just to let me know that she's there, in the moment, with me. She might even have hugged me tightly with all her warmth to comfort me. And I know she would have, most definitely given me the wettest kisses on my cheeks that I found hard to wipe off, because.., I loved her love.
I knew her well, and on our wedding day when I made that speech, feeling every presence of her around me, I could barely finish the last sentence.

Exactly two years ago, on 23rd of March, when Toby accidentally scratched the wheels of our beloved car 'Merry Edna' named after Toby's nan, we both hoped in anger, that maybe it was the sign of nannie telling us the flat we were about to view was the one.
Later that evening, Toby and I raised our glasses with an excitement that finally the long search of finding our dream home may have come to an end, and thought of nannie who would have been so pleased to hear that we found our nest, at last.

In March 23rd 2009, I thanked nannie Dubery for her kind acceptance and generous loving, and said my good-bye for the one last time.
I bursted into tears whispering how sorry I was that I didn't come back soon enough to see her smile again. I told her quietly that I loved her, and promised her I would always be a good girl to Toby.
I remember so clearly, the very last day I saw her back at the hospital few weeks before her funeral. 
Nannie held my hand with her fragile hands and told me with smile that I was a good girl, and asked to come back soon to see her again.
To this date, I still feel so bad that I couldn't have made another journey to the hospital before she passed away. 
At her funeral, Toby held my hands tightly and comforted me with the little words of wisdom, just like nannie used to. 
He said, nannie was finally happy that now she's with granddad. And we should all be very happy that she found the peace in him.
Love; that lost her soul, that got found in eternity.

Earlier last month, when my family came to join our Westival, going through our wedding photographs they hadn't seen, my mum was surprised to see the snow in England in March. She said in Korea, snow on your wedding day means the wealth is wished upon you. 
I told her that I think it was nannie Dubery out on her little trip down to earth to spend the day with us. 
And as we were all hoping for the good weather for our much anticipated wedding festival, I whispered a little prayer to nannie to shine her lights on us, just like many other old times.

 

A huge thank you to all of you who helped us to create such an incredible weekend.
Max and Lucinda at the Park Farm were so helpful, and their 50 acre of private field was just stunning. The mother and daughter team of Vintage Scoops, Vic and Jo served up some of the most delicious ice creams. 
Henning and Kasia, the proud owner of the Taco Truck was one of the most loveliest and kindest people I've dealt with in this process of planning a huge party. And their taco is just spectacular!
And last but not the least, thank you Al, for capturing every moments of our special day. Every time I look at it, my emotions still run so high.
Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Baked Eggs with Lightly Spiced Tomato Jam
Serves 2

for the baked eggs
4 medium to large free range eggs
1 banana shallot, finely sliced
2-3 streaky bacon rashers (substitute with toasted bread crumbs if making for vegetarian)
2tbsp creme fraiche or natural yogurt
handful of chopped dill
some butter
some rapeseed oil
salt and pepper 

for the tomato jam (inspired by Tomato Jam NY Times)
940g mixed tomatoes, coarsely chopped 
160g red peppers, roughly chopped
50g mixed chilli, deseeded and roughly chopped
25g ginger, roughly chopped
1 chipotle chilli, cut into small flakes
300g jam sugar
50ml balsamic vinegar
1 1/2tsp cumin seed
10 cloves
1tsp cinnamon
good handful of fresh thyme
1tsp malden salt

Okay, please let me tell you couple of things about this recipe.
One: you know one of those weekends when you have your friends and family staying over and you're in serious needs of mean cooked breakfast to show off your hospitality, this is it!
Two: this tomato jam in your fridge will rescue you from need-something-quick moments, turing everything into tangy sticky saucy culinary satisfaction, and the left over jars that you've given to your friends will make them think you are one cooking genius!

This recipe will make about 1pint of tomato jam. Having said that, this relies heavily on the ripeness of the tomatoes you're using and the thickness of the final jam.
There isn't any rules as such on how thick it should be. Just go with however you like it. If you make it slightly loose, it will be more like a pourable posh tomato ketchup. I like mine quite thick and sticky, so I can smother generously over the cracker with some mature cheddar.
This jam is amazing with bacon sandwich. It goes really well with grilled portobello mushrooms stuffed with some fried garlic, onion and chilli flakes, and a spoonful of jam in the middle with a good helping of grated cheese. It is also brilliant quick marinade to roast the jointed chicken with extra squeeze of lemon and crushed garlic.

Making the tomato jam is very simple, once you have all ingredients ready. 
I use lots of different types of tomatoes; half of the quantity is ripe vine tomatoes and the other half is made up with plum and cherry tomatoes.
Again with chilli, use different strength. I use some very hot ones like bird eye chilli and scotch bonnet, mixed with some very mild ones.
Using your food processor, blitz red peppers, chilli and ginger into fine flecks. They should have paste consistency with bits.
Ground all spices. Put all ingredients into large sauce pan, bring to boil, then simmer over low heat for about an hour and half.
Make sure to stir every so often to prevent the jam from sticking to the bottom of the pan and burning.
When ready, cool them down ever so slightly and decant them into the sterilised jam jars.
This will last you about a week in the fridge. However, if you use the canning methods to preserve the jars, it will keep up to a year; stored in a dark and cool place.

That settled, lets move on to bake some eggs.
Start by gently frying the shallots in some oil over medium heat for 5-10mins until golden and slightly crisped up around the edges. Set aside.
Grill or fry the bacon rashers until very crisp. Break them into fine crumbs and set aside.
Lightly butter your choice of baking dishes.
Sprinkle some fried shallots into the individual dish, reserving some for the top. Spoon in the 1tbsp creme fraiche into the dish, crack 2 eggs each per person, rest of the shallots, sprinkle chopped dill and season well with pinch of flaky malden salt and lots of cracked black pepper.
Place the ramekins into the large baking tray and fill the tray with hot water only half way up to the outside of ramekins.
Bake them for around 12mins or until eggs are set to your liking at 180º.
When ready, take them out carefully and garnish it with bacon crumbs.
Serve it with toasted sourdough; it's delish!

It's a shame that I cannot find any old picture of nannie to share with you. 
But maybe, I hope we all have our own nannie Dubery somewhere who lives deep inside of us; who quietly carries us through; who gives us the strength to believe in love that sometimes gets lost, and other times... gets found again.

I am yet to find myself to go through the going-cold-turkey moments as my memories of the highs of Westival faint out. 
But as amazing as it is to be fed off on those wonderful snippets of the past, I also know that those past were once present.
And for now, I am glad to be back in this space.

so we drop that bombshell.

Hello there!
I must confess something before I start this post and that something is, I did have all the good intentions to write up this post and share it with you, when the summer's sun was shining high up the sky and my skin was feeling slightly leathery from the tan. 
But, in truth, I struggled.
I tried hard to make sense of it all but it was all very difficult to get the words out when things were far too confusing in my own head itself.
So that is why I am a little late.

Well, so... I am, for real, getting married.
Yes, you heard me right.
So I suspect I should be telling you of those much wanted romantic proposal story of ours, of which of course, quite naturally that everyone expects to hear. 
Because it supposed to be 'The Moment', as some might refer. But I am afraid, this won't be the case. 
There wasn't a romantic candle lit dinner, neither the bunch of roses, nor the tradition of kneeling down, and most definitely no question was asked. 
Hold your thoughts, guys. It's complicated.

I can't locate that key moment that I can call 'The Moment'. 
It kind of happened gradually over the past few years and one day, I realised we have spoken the forbidden word; the wedding.
And over the first few weeks since our wedding was on the agenda, I sort of felt cheated. 
I mean, by the fact that Toby never had to asked me, kind of made me feel like I was being sold too easily. Sort of.
Having said that, it wasn't as if I didn't know him enough to realise that the chance of him popping the much regarded question was improbable. It is fair to say that sort of thing had no chance of happening. He is just not that sort of bloke. He has his own ways of doing things and his ideas of being romantic differs from others, of which more than often brought me a fair bit of unanticipated joy.
I appreciated him the way he was and this wasn't going to be a problem. And because neither of us had great interests in wedding/marriage nor the children when we first met all those years ago, this wasn't something that I expected to become an issue.
Then, what?
Well, as much as my understanding of this whole thing was very clear in my head, when it finally didn't happen, I found it very tough to comprehend that, although we're getting married, I was never going to have the once-in-a-life-time chance of experiencing the fuss and the excitement of 'The Moment'.

I think, for me and in my pretty complicated little head, the act of asking was the ultimate confirmation and the declaration of one's devotion. 
The act of asking reinforces the answer and together it reaffirms that the both party is equally committed to one and the other. Also very possibly, this process brings two participants closer by sharing the, arguably one of the most significant moment of their lives together as a pair. And I didn't want to miss out on the opportunity that was open and available to any one of us!
And it was that, I was having problems with.

Then, over the family luncheon table, Toby, out of blue, spoke out. 
"Well, everyone knew what that ring really meant. It's just that it took me some time to come to terms with it all."

Oh, yes. I forgot about that. I do have a ring and yes, there was the moment, if you want to call it that.
Okay, lets go back a few years.
Two years ago, over a dinner with our friend who was responsible for us becoming an item, Toby declared that perhaps it was about time he should buy me a ring since I'd been banging on about this token of love business for many years. After few drinks, I decided that I will take the advantage of the offer and the following day, he bought me a ring. Yes, a little sparkler on my finger that represented his token of love. 
We called it a commitment ring. They called it an engagement ring.
We tried to explain that it wasn't an engagement ring and we were indeed very happy with it being a symbolic gesture of our relationship. But no one got it.
But that really did not matter to us. Because we understood it. 

Come to think of it, and without waxing the lyrical about what Toby said and done, his rather generous act of buying me a ring was of course, the moment to remember. One does not spoil the other with such an extravagance with no reason.
He actually did something. He took a giant leap toward the world of stability. He was in process of dealing with his believes in the subject matter and he was making the alterations in his own way, and in his own time.

That's it, isn't it?
I couldn't recognise this because I was so wrapped up in the world of what's norm and what is expected of you by other people. 
My brain did not function in an usual way and my emotions were all over the place. Not being able to cope with people hammering me down with what should happen and people making their own plans for our wedding even before I got to understand it all, I was totally lost and confused.
I was so frightened to step into the world that had no existence in me, I almost forgot what was there all along. Everything was so cloudy, I forgot that our love takes a different shape, like many others do.

The love that nurtured us through the thick and thin, is something that we cherish and all we ever wanted to do was to celebrate. We wanted to become an unit to make our own little people. We wanted to pay a gratitude to our love and the commitments that lives with us in humble gestures of everydayness.
And we are doing it in our own little way to compliment the invaluable qualities of our team work that had made us better, made us stronger, and made us who we truly are.

So, here I am, writing our versions of the eventful moments, in the hope of everlasting, love.

Cold Soba Noodles
serves 2 generously as main or 4 as starter

250g soba noodles (100% buckwheat)
85ml soy sauce (use a good quality soy like Kikkoman) 
15ml mirin (cooking sake)
15g sugar
400-750ml dashi (Japanese fish stock. I use instant one.)

for the garnish
spring onion, finely chopped
radish or mooli, grated
fresh ginger, grated
toasted seaweed, cut in to fine strips


This really represents fine hot summer's day for both me and Toby.
The only fiddly part of this dish is, a) you have few things to grate and chop, and b) you need to think in advance to have the cold broth ready. Other than that, it is dead simple and really flavoursome.
Don't be put off by the fact that it is served cold, and don't try to freestyle by serving it warm. 
It works one way and that only way is to have this ice cold, as cold as you like. The hotter the weather outside, the colder the broth you'll want to have. 
This is packed with Umami sort of sensation that you will never forget.

So, as I said already, the process is simple.
Lets make the broth by mixing the soy, mirin and sugar in a small sauce pan and gently simmer it until sugar is dissolved. Add prepared hot stock gradually and taste the broth as you go along. I like mine slightly on the stronger side in taste, so I tend to use about 500-600ml of stock and adjust the sweetness by adding a little more sugar if I need to.
Once you have the perfect flavour combo of salty and sweet, let them cool down and stick it in the fridge until you need them. You can cool them down quicker in the freezer, if you are short of time.

Prepare your garnishes.
Over the years, I have found the combinations of radish/mooli, spring onions and ginger works a treat with a little strips of toasted seaweed. However, it is entirely up to you to add or omit.

Cook the soba noodles as instructed in the packet and rinse them thoroughly in ice cold water to stop them cooking further.
These noodles get stuck together quite easily if you leave them out for too long once cooked,  so you want to cook them when you are ready to serve the dish.

Usually, the way to have this dish is to serve the noodles separately in a small bundle, either  in the bamboo basket or tray. You will have cold broth in a small bowl, garnish your broth as you like and dunk the noodles in your bowl.
But there is nothing stopping you to just serve it all in one bowl with a side garnish.
Hope you enjoy it!

So we drop that bombshell.

this is why.

Someone asked me the other day why I write this blog and what I am gaining from by sharing the stories that may seem a little too personal.

I started this blog just over a year and a half ago, over a glass of wine. 

Toby, my partner of 8 years encouraged me into it as I have been forever talking about wanting to write a cookbook. 

Living in London, which is regarded as one of the most multi-cultural cosmopolitan city in the world, I have been naturally exposed to the vast varieties of ingredients that I have not been able to experience properly when I was growing up back in South Korea. 

Having been with the partner, whose field of expertise is food/drink and still life photography, I was hugely influenced and inspired by his passion for all things edible and beautiful.

Our love of food and drink soon took off in our, then, very little kitchen and we were constantly experimenting with different ingredients and cooking methods from both of our heritage, of which eventually became our very own home food.

I wanted to remember who I am and where I came from. 

By revisiting my childhood memories of food, I was able to recognise my troubles and treasures. I've been able to welcome those issues from the past without fear by learning who I am though this blog. 

What started off as a humble exercise of jotting down the recipes to keep, has in fact been an invaluable sessions of self-counselling that has made me help myself to become a better person. 

And that is why I write my stories. 

Through those stories, I have met so many people of good heart that I'd love to share a big hug if only it wasn't through the computer screen. So those of you who has been in this journey with me, I owe you a huge hug!

And through those dishes from my humble kitchen, I have been given a great opportunity to write a column for the 'Cookand'.

It is a monthly issued food and drinks magazine that is loved by many foodies in South Korea.

My column is titled as 'Letter From London' and is an echo of my blog but mainly focused on my life in London and the recipes that are quintessentially British.

It is written in Korean which I found very hard to get back into. But I hope in time, with the greatest supports from my dear readers, I will be able to improve.

Beer Batter Fish and Chips with Minted Peas
serves 2

for the beer batter fish
2*175g cod fillets
35g corn flour
100g plan flour + 2tbsp for dusting the fish
1tsp baking powder
150ml beer or ale
1/2 lemon juice
salt and pepper
some oil for frying

for the triple cooked chips
see here

for the minted peas
handful of frozen peas
1 garlic clove, crushed
some lemon juice
some mint
some olive oil
salt and pepper

I understand if you think that I am missing the point of this, what is meant to be quick and easy, nation's Friday night's favourite take away 'Fish and Chips' by making it at home. But please bear with me, and give it a go if your anticipated result of this beloved take away is something of crispy, light and fresh.
I have done my version of triple cooked chips before, which I think, is relatively easy and well worth of the time and effort you invest in.

So, start by dusting your white fish fillets with plain flour with little season of salt. This will help the batter to stick to the fish. I used cod but you can use haddock or any sort of white fish that has firm flesh.
In a large mixing bowl, sieve the flour, cornflour and baking powder and stir in the beer. Whisk well until it forms a smooth batter but do not over work the batter. 
Add the lemon juice with a good seasoning of salt and pepper. 
What you must make sure at this stage is to ensure that your choice of beer/ale is super cold. This will keep the batter extra crispy whilst sieving of the dry ingredients will ensure lightness of the batter.
Dip the fish into the batter and fry them in hot oil for 5-6mins or until the fish is cooked through.

Meanwhile, prepare the minted peas by blitzing all the ingredients into the food processor or hand held blender.
This is very simple side dish that takes no time to make but super tasty.

All you need now is a glass of cold beer to wash it down with.
Hope you enjoy!

And I want you to know, that you are the better half of my world that made everything possible. 

So, Thank you.