Now the dark days are over.

I still remember the day. 
The very first day that I was left alone with the tiny little thing. I was petrified. This little thing didn't come with user manual. 
I rely on manuals; for guidance and reassurance, so I can tackle it with confidence and familiarity.
What was I supposed to do?

The night before Toby went back to work, I struggled with momentary resentment. I was scared of the concept of being solely responsible for our new born baby. I was envious that he will be able to slam shut the front door next day and wiz back into the normality of his everydayness. I felt hard done by the lack of existence of my everydayness; aloneness; the ability to enjoy my own company. 
Everything I knew and was comfortable in was gone, overnight. 
Being mum didn't come natural to me.

Hold your breath right there if you're thinking I am being an ungrateful first time mother being miserable for the sake of moaning. Because I am not.
This new job of being mother hit me really hard. Although planned and prepared for, it was a mayhem.

I loved having her. I felt truly amazing being able to give birth. I felt like a super hero. 
I didn't mind having to change dirty bottoms ten times a day. Those sleepless nights weren't too much of a big deal whilst my body pumped out the adrenaline. I could watch her face all day long and be amused by the tiny weeny movements and the sounds she created. Sometimes I worried she was too quiet and other times I worried because she won't stop crying. Many nights I stood by her cot holding my breath so tightly in an attempt to listen if she was still breathing so I can be assured to finally roll into my bed knowing she's alive; that I haven't failed as her carer; that I have accomplished another day of being 'a mother' - a word that felt so alien to me at the time. 
Heavy dose of caffeine kept me going by day and steady supply of wine gave me the strength to look forward and survive another day by night.
But I was lost. I felt incompetent.
Everything felt so infinite. It was relentless. I couldn't shout time out. I was so lost I didn't even know who I was anymore. I just wanted to figure out who I was. It felt as if though I've been put through the washing machine. It stripped me, washed every inch of me, spun me round the few times, squeezed me out empty.

I suppose you could say identity crisis. Or perhaps it could have been a form of post natal depression. In either case, I was fortunate enough to be able to see it through.
It was and still is tough going at times though. Even with the most loving husband on your side, even with the most supportive friends standing by your side firmly, the truth is, that the real battle of learning to be the best mum you can be when everything is so alien and unfamiliar, and trying to finely and carefully tune yourself back into this new found identity without upsetting the dynamics of your newly formed family, can really be somewhat lonely. Because, as I happen to discover my fellow mama friends, a lot of us, still, for whatever the reason, find it hard to speak out and share the true feelings. We, for some reason tend to fluff it up. Because, deep down, we know majority of general public will expect you to bond, be maternal the moment that you give birth. And whilst nursing and caring for your new born, you're almost always put under the unspoken pressure of to be that perfect earthy mother.

It took me a while. A while to understand and articulate what was exactly going on in my head. What it was exactly upsetting me and made me feel confused and unhappy.
And I am happy to say, once the hormones settled and the reasonable amount of time had passed by, those tiny little things and feelings used to bother me started to fade away.
I understood our relationship now has different meanings and we're now no longer dynamic duo but a trio.
Do you know what, actually what really affected me was in fact, the fear; fear of finally becoming a proper grown up; the changes that I cannot predict or dictate. The prospect of life-long project that I am ultimately responsible to influence and nurture really did take my breath away. It was a fair weight to carry. Every night, I tucked myself under my duvet deeper and deeper in an attempt to escape that sinking feeling.
Tiredness, no actually, exhausted sleep deprived body, as well as hormones can really do funny things to your mind.

Braised Radishes and Toasted Freekeh
Serves 2 as side

for the radishes
120g radish, cleaned and quartered
1 small shallot, finely sliced
1 clove of garlic, finely minced
sage leaves, finely sliced
250ml chicken or vegetable stock
1tsp white wine vinegar
some butter
little olive oil
salt and pepper

for the freekeh
50g freekeh
some butter
pinch of salt

to dress
some extra virgin olive oil
pinch of chilli flakes
1/2 lemon juice
good handful of parsley, finely chopped
salt and pepper

Koreans do cooked radishes very well.
Although strictly speaking this recipe isn't rooted in my heritage, this, I could prepare and make well under an hour, and be completely satisfied with its simple offerings and feel completely at home.
Peppery radish cooked mellow in sort of dirty sticky buttery way with nutty wheat grains dressed perfectly with little chilli flakes, generous coatings of olive oil and the sharpness of lemon cutting through the rich butter, indeed, is comforting.
It's what I'd say easy food. I can it the lot.

First thing's first, place the pan over the low heat, melt butter with little oil to stop it from burning and gently sweat shallots and garlic with little salt until soft. Add radishes and sage, and fry them off a little for couple of minutes. Then goes white wine vinegar followed by stock. Your choice of stock should cover the radishes really well.
Over the medium to low heat, you will continuously cook radishes for about 35mins or so until it's soft and coated well in glossy sticky buttery mess.
If at any point you require more liquid to loosen it up, just add little water as and when.
Season when ready.

Braised radishes itself can be a great component to any roasted meat, if that's where you're going with it. I'd just make sure to increase the volume that I cook. Depends on the quality of radishes you source, you might need pinch of sugar to balance the flavour. I also find good glug of white wine helps to give the wonderful sharpness as well as some extra herbs such as tarragon.

Whilst braising of the radishes are happening, melt some butter in a small sauce pan over medium heat, add freekeh with little salt and toast until nut brown, to the point when you think it's slightly over done.
Add water just enough to cover the whole thing loosely and lower the heat with the cover on.
Cook for around 10 mins or so on the lowest heat possible. I use diffuser to do this. Then turn the hob off. Let it sit for another 5 mins. This will allow the grain to cook slowly in residual heat that was left in the pan. In return, you will be guaranteed with nutty crunchy golden bites.

Toasting of grains really intensifies the nuttiness. If you're not used to freekeh, you could do exactly the same with cous cous, bulgar wheat and quinoa. I often use mixture of some or all. Once you pimp up your grains this way, I promise you that you will never go back to your old ways.

Now the assembly.
In a large bowl, put both the radishes and freekeh. Add pinch of chilli flakes whilst both of the components are warm. Add good helpings of olive oil as well as parsley and lemon juice. Season to taste.

As with most of recipes, this is the sort you can add and experiment as much as you'd like depends on what is available in your larder.
Toasted pine nuts may also be welcomed as well as good handful of sweet raisins or sour cherries.
It's an idea I'd like to share. 
Now go, go, go and make yours.



12 months on, I am in a much better place.
I seem to have slightly clearer visions on what kind of mother I'd like be and feel content the way things are going. Well, for now anyway.
You know, it is true. Time really is a healer.

I hope you're all well.
And thank you for patiently waiting, as always.

where I belong.

Lately, I tend to run out of time.

Each and everyday I'll scribble down the list of jobs that I consider as important or urgent matter. I'll probably spend good 10mins or so thinking about the most effective and logical working orders of the job required. Although I am not the sort of person who works with strict time schedule and allocates rather tight time limits to everything, I, more than often, considered myself as a grafter who would simply get on with the tasks once I put my mind to it.

But lately, I can't seem to be able to get down with the business. 
I mean, come on, sorting out stuff, picking up the pieces, taking care of all the nitty gritty used to be my forte, given the fact that my job title is a 'manager'. 
I thought, as long as I am organised and have the ability to successfully produce a super tight - by I mean good - job lists, everything would be a peanut. 
Bish bash bosh, job done, and the mission accomplished!

You see, I planed to update the blog the other Wednesday. But after spending hours wrestling with a grubby old toothbrush, trying to clean the bloody mould and stained hair dye on my bathroom tile grout, I lost all my will to even attempt to babble. The simplicity of repetitive hand movements had caused me some serious muscular pain and the only thing I could ever think of lifting is very well deserved glass of wine to celebrate those intense moments of me and now-very-worn good old toothbrush.

The thing is, I have been trying to cram everything into what was already a very little spare time of mine.
I had a full time job to care for, a blog to look after, a magazine article to submit every month, an-almost-there but never ending home renovation, and to top it up - or to tip it all upside down - a wedding to organise.
My stress level was reaching high, and my tolerance was wearing thinner and thinner each day. I could, if I tried hard enough, start to see myself turning into the short tempered, always tired looking, greasy messy haired, fag puffing, miserable cow.
OMG!

And, that's when I decided enough was enough.
As much as it was wonderful to be given an opportunity to write for CookAnd, I couldn't help myself feeling upset that I have left my love in neglect. Every given time off was spared for the magazine and my blog was being pushed on a side, at the bottom of my lists. And, it was about time, that I put things in right order.

The day I submitted my last article, I wrote to my editor explaining that the time has become an issue, and unfortunately Toby and I will have to call it a day.
She wrote back to thank me, and told me that one of our images were on the front cover to celebrate my final article.

And the day I made this gnocchi, I giggled and told Toby how happy I was. I think it may have well been the first time I smiled in a long while.

Beetroot Gnocchi with Green Pesto
serves 2

for the gnocchi
300g floury potatoes
250g beetroot, peeled and roughly chopped
some plain flour
pinch of salt and pepper
some oil and butter for frying

for the green pesto sauce
1 garlic cloves, crushed
handful of pine nuts, toasted (put some on the side for garnish)
handful of basil
handful of parsley
25g parmesan cheese, grated (+some extra for garnish)
1/2-1 lemon juice
some extra virgin olive oil
pinch of salt and pepper
couple of shallots, finely sliced

This is a sort of recipe where you can be really lazy with measuring, and just go with the flow. Although I have made it vegetarian, it would also be quite lovely to add some thick smokey lardons. Pay enough attention to how the dough feels in your hands, you will be rewarded with these mouth watering, beautiful, earthy magenta nuggets.

First of all, preheat the oven to 200º and bake the potatoes with skin on and pricked for around 45mins to an hour, until it is really fluffy and soft inside. Baking potatoes will remove a lot of its moisture contents, which will then allow the gnocchi to be the lightest and fluffiest.

Meanwhile, put your beetroot into the saucepan with a pinch of salt, cover it with water, and boil them for around 30mins or until it is soft.
When it is cooked, drain and blitz them until it becomes smooth pure.

To make your gnocchi, skin the cooked potatoes and put them through the ricer. You can mash them really smooth if you don't have the ricer. However, passing them through the ricer will give you the airy texture you want from good gnocchi.
Mix in the beetroot pure into the potato, season and gradually add the flour until your dough becomes stiff enough to handle but supple.
Take handful of your dough, roll our on the floured surface into a long sausage shape, and cut them into small bite size chunks. 
Repeat this process until you use up all of your dough.

Now, let's make the green pesto sauce.
I am making my pesto slightly on the thicker side for this pasta because I like to have a little bite to it rather than puree like. But you can make it more runny if you prefer, by adding more oil and lemon juice. Or even tiny drop of water to loosen it up a bit.

First thing, put toasted pine nuts, garlic, parmesan, basil and parsley into your food processor or pestle and mortar. Blitz them into preferred consistency whilst adding some olive oil and lemon juice. Season with salt.

To put together this lovely gnocchi, pan fry your bite sized gnocchi with little butter and oil over medium to high heat, making sure you only turn once. You might have to do this in batches. Be patient, and don't be tempted to do it all at once. You want to get them really crispy on the outside to create contrasting texture.
Once you're finished with it all, put them on a side.

Into the same pan you've just fried your gnocchi, gently fry the shallots with little olive oil until it's golden and crispy. Add fried gnocchi and pesto, stir in well with lots of freshly cracked black pepper. Season to taste with salt and lemon juice. 
Garnish with some toasted pine nuts, and more parmesan cheese. 

It feels good to be back. To the place where I feel home.