Now the dark days are over.

I still remember the day. 
The very first day that I was left alone with the tiny little thing. I was petrified. This little thing didn't come with user manual. 
I rely on manuals; for guidance and reassurance, so I can tackle it with confidence and familiarity.
What was I supposed to do?

The night before Toby went back to work, I struggled with momentary resentment. I was scared of the concept of being solely responsible for our new born baby. I was envious that he will be able to slam shut the front door next day and wiz back into the normality of his everydayness. I felt hard done by the lack of existence of my everydayness; aloneness; the ability to enjoy my own company. 
Everything I knew and was comfortable in was gone, overnight. 
Being mum didn't come natural to me.

Hold your breath right there if you're thinking I am being an ungrateful first time mother being miserable for the sake of moaning. Because I am not.
This new job of being mother hit me really hard. Although planned and prepared for, it was a mayhem.

I loved having her. I felt truly amazing being able to give birth. I felt like a super hero. 
I didn't mind having to change dirty bottoms ten times a day. Those sleepless nights weren't too much of a big deal whilst my body pumped out the adrenaline. I could watch her face all day long and be amused by the tiny weeny movements and the sounds she created. Sometimes I worried she was too quiet and other times I worried because she won't stop crying. Many nights I stood by her cot holding my breath so tightly in an attempt to listen if she was still breathing so I can be assured to finally roll into my bed knowing she's alive; that I haven't failed as her carer; that I have accomplished another day of being 'a mother' - a word that felt so alien to me at the time. 
Heavy dose of caffeine kept me going by day and steady supply of wine gave me the strength to look forward and survive another day by night.
But I was lost. I felt incompetent.
Everything felt so infinite. It was relentless. I couldn't shout time out. I was so lost I didn't even know who I was anymore. I just wanted to figure out who I was. It felt as if though I've been put through the washing machine. It stripped me, washed every inch of me, spun me round the few times, squeezed me out empty.

I suppose you could say identity crisis. Or perhaps it could have been a form of post natal depression. In either case, I was fortunate enough to be able to see it through.
It was and still is tough going at times though. Even with the most loving husband on your side, even with the most supportive friends standing by your side firmly, the truth is, that the real battle of learning to be the best mum you can be when everything is so alien and unfamiliar, and trying to finely and carefully tune yourself back into this new found identity without upsetting the dynamics of your newly formed family, can really be somewhat lonely. Because, as I happen to discover my fellow mama friends, a lot of us, still, for whatever the reason, find it hard to speak out and share the true feelings. We, for some reason tend to fluff it up. Because, deep down, we know majority of general public will expect you to bond, be maternal the moment that you give birth. And whilst nursing and caring for your new born, you're almost always put under the unspoken pressure of to be that perfect earthy mother.

It took me a while. A while to understand and articulate what was exactly going on in my head. What it was exactly upsetting me and made me feel confused and unhappy.
And I am happy to say, once the hormones settled and the reasonable amount of time had passed by, those tiny little things and feelings used to bother me started to fade away.
I understood our relationship now has different meanings and we're now no longer dynamic duo but a trio.
Do you know what, actually what really affected me was in fact, the fear; fear of finally becoming a proper grown up; the changes that I cannot predict or dictate. The prospect of life-long project that I am ultimately responsible to influence and nurture really did take my breath away. It was a fair weight to carry. Every night, I tucked myself under my duvet deeper and deeper in an attempt to escape that sinking feeling.
Tiredness, no actually, exhausted sleep deprived body, as well as hormones can really do funny things to your mind.

Braised Radishes and Toasted Freekeh
Serves 2 as side

for the radishes
120g radish, cleaned and quartered
1 small shallot, finely sliced
1 clove of garlic, finely minced
sage leaves, finely sliced
250ml chicken or vegetable stock
1tsp white wine vinegar
some butter
little olive oil
salt and pepper

for the freekeh
50g freekeh
some butter
pinch of salt

to dress
some extra virgin olive oil
pinch of chilli flakes
1/2 lemon juice
good handful of parsley, finely chopped
salt and pepper

Koreans do cooked radishes very well.
Although strictly speaking this recipe isn't rooted in my heritage, this, I could prepare and make well under an hour, and be completely satisfied with its simple offerings and feel completely at home.
Peppery radish cooked mellow in sort of dirty sticky buttery way with nutty wheat grains dressed perfectly with little chilli flakes, generous coatings of olive oil and the sharpness of lemon cutting through the rich butter, indeed, is comforting.
It's what I'd say easy food. I can it the lot.

First thing's first, place the pan over the low heat, melt butter with little oil to stop it from burning and gently sweat shallots and garlic with little salt until soft. Add radishes and sage, and fry them off a little for couple of minutes. Then goes white wine vinegar followed by stock. Your choice of stock should cover the radishes really well.
Over the medium to low heat, you will continuously cook radishes for about 35mins or so until it's soft and coated well in glossy sticky buttery mess.
If at any point you require more liquid to loosen it up, just add little water as and when.
Season when ready.

Braised radishes itself can be a great component to any roasted meat, if that's where you're going with it. I'd just make sure to increase the volume that I cook. Depends on the quality of radishes you source, you might need pinch of sugar to balance the flavour. I also find good glug of white wine helps to give the wonderful sharpness as well as some extra herbs such as tarragon.

Whilst braising of the radishes are happening, melt some butter in a small sauce pan over medium heat, add freekeh with little salt and toast until nut brown, to the point when you think it's slightly over done.
Add water just enough to cover the whole thing loosely and lower the heat with the cover on.
Cook for around 10 mins or so on the lowest heat possible. I use diffuser to do this. Then turn the hob off. Let it sit for another 5 mins. This will allow the grain to cook slowly in residual heat that was left in the pan. In return, you will be guaranteed with nutty crunchy golden bites.

Toasting of grains really intensifies the nuttiness. If you're not used to freekeh, you could do exactly the same with cous cous, bulgar wheat and quinoa. I often use mixture of some or all. Once you pimp up your grains this way, I promise you that you will never go back to your old ways.

Now the assembly.
In a large bowl, put both the radishes and freekeh. Add pinch of chilli flakes whilst both of the components are warm. Add good helpings of olive oil as well as parsley and lemon juice. Season to taste.

As with most of recipes, this is the sort you can add and experiment as much as you'd like depends on what is available in your larder.
Toasted pine nuts may also be welcomed as well as good handful of sweet raisins or sour cherries.
It's an idea I'd like to share. 
Now go, go, go and make yours.



12 months on, I am in a much better place.
I seem to have slightly clearer visions on what kind of mother I'd like be and feel content the way things are going. Well, for now anyway.
You know, it is true. Time really is a healer.

I hope you're all well.
And thank you for patiently waiting, as always.

we made the fire.

You know, I was going to babble you about the fishing trip that my dad used to take me to when I was younger. I tried hard to jog my memories back and tried my upmost to write them all down here, so I can share those magical moments with you. But I found it hard. It's proven rather difficult.

Such a moment, that has been wrapped up tightly with so much emotions, isn't the kind of thing you can share by talking perhaps.

Growing up, I didn't have very good relationship with my dad unfortunately. 
It wasn't until very recently that I have learnt to understand him for who he is really. I'm pretty sure he will say the same about me.

I think we were two strong characters with very different ideas about way of life. 

We used to argue day in, day out until he shouted 'Under my roof, my rules!'. 
I was so desperate to get away from that roof, the roof that sheltered me for all the wrong reasons. What he expected of me seemed so far from what could be achieved or what I wanted to pursue. I just wanted get out and do my own thing so desperately. And that desperation eventually brought me here, to London.

I remember my dad yelling at me once, that he didn't believe I will be able to last here as I have been a quitter for all those years he remembered. He more than often used say I give up things too easily. It was so harsh things to hear, I know. But that was my dad. And I know why he said that. 
He knew if he said that, I would work harder and make sure I last, just so I can prove him wrong. He knew his daughter too well.

The man with very few words congratulated me on my first return visit home, almost 3 years after landing in London.

My first camping trip few weekends ago reminded me a lot of the fishing trip. 
Being out in the wild with very little convenience, gave us a chance to appreciate each other's company. Hearing nothing but the birds singing, we could hear our voices better. Looking after the fire that kept us warm and full, we learnt to be patient. Searching for the stars in the dark, we found each other in different light. Walking along the muddy woodlands, we spent time helping each other. We made an effort to talk. Not to upset each other, not to demand anything but just to keep each other's company happy. 

Sweet lentil and goats cheese salad
serves 2

for the salad
80g puy lentil
1-2 shallot, finely sliced (save little bit for the dressing)
some cooked and pickled beetroots, thinly sliced
some mild goats cheese
some olive oil
salt and pepper

for the chilli and coriander dressing
some finely chopped shallots
1 1/2tbsp cider vinegar
1tsp caster sugar
pinch of salt
pinch of crushed chilli
handful of fresh coriander, finely chopped
1tbsp olive oil

This is simple and humble plate of food that is perfect served on its own as a light lunch or as a side with beautifully grilled meat. Gently fried shallots add lovely sweet flavour to the lentils whilst shallots in the dressing keeps the dish fresh and light.

First of all, cook your lentils with plenty of water and pinch of salt for 20-25mins. You want them to be cooked through but still have a bite to them. Once ready, drain well.
Meanwhile, in a small bowl, mix all the ingredients for the dressing except the olive oil. Set it aside. Add the olive oil in when you are ready to bring things together.

Now, gently fry the shallots in little olive oil until dark golden. 
Add the well drained lentils to the fried shallots as well as the sliced beetroots.
Bring things together by dressing them generously with prepared chilli and coriander dressing. Season with black pepper.
Plate up, add your goats cheese, drizzle little more dressing over the salad and tuck in.

I treasure the fishing trips with dad. It is one of the very few memories that is not tainted with anger. Every moment I can picture of those trips has an ordinary father and daughter loving each other the way that I saw in others.

we are still at it

Four months ago it was, when I was thinking to myself that I'll be depending on all things green and leafy, that I will be working my arse off and sure I will be able to get into those pair of jeans that I hadn't been able to tackle for the last five or six years. Miraculously with the capital 'M'!


So lets have a little reality check to make sure that I am on track and to help you to understand what this random pledge was all about.


Well, this is my problem.
I absolutely fell in love with this little maisonette that had nothing but issues written all over it.
Floors were infested by woodworms, all windows and architraves were smothered in full gloss paints to make die of its beauty, every inch of internal doors were covered with vanish it might as well just disappear. The entire walls in the house was suffocated by layers and layers of wall coverings that took me all the way back to the beginning of the year, 1905; the full circle of fashion.


I convinced and persuaded Toby that this will be our absolute dream home that we had to go for it. And as any loving man will do, he did.


The thing was though, as much as I was confident that I could see it through and we will get to it before we know it, I couldn't deny the fact that this was all down to me. Absolutely everything. 
From having to live in the house full of dust with no kitchen, no heating, no proper walls and no complete floors, to giving up cultural infills of telly nights and sociable weekends in an attempt to get some works done, was and is all because of me. 
And honestly, the pressure is on.


Lying in or chill out weekends were written out from our dictionary fairly earlier on.
Every evenings were fight. Trying to make one thing better, we had to make ten things worse. Then there was the senseless arguments on why we were doing what we were doing at that time of the night, when most of the others would be sipping a lovely glass of wine, sitting comfortably in front of telly, unwinding. 
We did in fact, of course had glasses of wine. Only difference was that we were hopelessly crashed on the shaky floorboards with our glass full of tired sighs, high degrees of frustrations and the dangers of potential anger. 
Such a simple tasks attacked us with resilience. Every job was our enemies putting us in test, the world of 'Battle DIY'.


We feel more home in building site. Stress and problems are the air we breathe to feel alive. Barking mad at each other brings some much needed familiar passion back to our lives. Boxes of mess comforts us that we are still standing. 
I file my nails in sand paper grit 80 with a huge success rate whilst sanding skirting boards. Toby cracks up the joke about possible electrocution while handling lights and switches and there it comes my bonus, he swears heavily with some extra injected emotion. 
Microwave has never been so useful feeding exhausted hungry souls. Hoover becomes none existence as dust becomes our lovers. Camping has never been so close to our hearts as we learn to live with all things basic that comes with great difficulties.
And going back to the beginning of my pledge, my intention of being super healthy eating all things green, in aid to naturally shift that extra few pounds through this hard working building exercise experience has no chance to shine, as I make up those extra calories with what I would call, well deserved bottle of wine.

So as you can guess, we are not anywhere near reaching the finishing line and I have no desire to get into that old pair of jeans. 
It's relentless and it is tiring.
But the realisations of compassionate loving is something we learn as we plod along through this long rocky road. As long as we share that momentary laughter in togetherness every now and then to cheer each other up, I think, I will be alright. 

Hot and sour soba noodle salad with prawns 


soba noodles, cooked as instructed
some king prawns, cooked and peeled
1/2 cucumber, seed scooped out and sliced
1/2 carrot, sliced like matchsticks
2 garlic cloves, peeled and thinly sliced
1inch root ginger, peeled and thinly sliced
couple of shallots or 1/2 white onion, finely sliced
some spring onions, chopped
some hot red chillies
1 tbsp caster sugar
2 tbsp cider vinegar for pickling and 1tbsp for dressing
1/2 tbsp palm sugar
3 tbsp tamarind water
1/2 tbsp fish sauce
1tbsp soy sauce
lime juice
pinch of salt
white pepper
some rice bran oil


This is very simple delicious dish that can be made with very little effort. All ingredients give lots of different layers of texture that make dish more filling and interesting.


Start by pickling carrot and cucumber slices in caster sugar and vinegar mixture. Add 1tbsp warm water and a pinch of salt. Cover it and leave them for at least 30mins or longer the better. Make sure to squeeze the moisture out thoroughly when you're ready to use them. 


In the mean time, heat shallow frying pan with some rice bran oil (you can use vegetable oil if you prefer but not olive oil). Add shallots, garlic and ginger into the pan and carefully fry them until golden.


Make the dressing by placing palm sugar, vinegar, tamarind water, fish sauce, chopped chilli and soy in a jam jar, or salad dressing shaker if you have one. Add pinch of salt and some freshly cracked white pepper with lots and lots of lime juice and stir, mix or shake vigorously. You want to be able to taste the kick from the chilli with some fruity sweetness and the salty fish sauce getting you again at the back of your throat. Fresh lime juice will make it all zingy and lively. 
Adjust it to your taste with more lime or sugar or fish sauce. You can add a little warm water to loosen the dressing if you want it milder.


In a large mixing bowl, put noodles, prawns, pickled carrots and cucumber, fried onions, garlic and ginger. Stir well to coat all ingredients with prepared dressing.
Sprinkle them with some more fresh chilli and spring onions for some added kick.
Delish!

We will get through it. 

So long!

It's been emotional.
It has been pretty amazing really. 
We shared some special times together and we will most definitely miss it a lot.
Quite a lot.


Toby and I decided, it is about time we say our good-byes.
Farewell to our beautiful little garden!


Our little but perfectly formed garden has been the super star of this flat.
Over the years, we spent a lot of time and effort making it into the little urban oasis we love to be in. We wrote our history with the collections of odd objects we'd come across in places.
An old bath tin from Toby's nan (my dear nannie Dubery who always looks after us from high above the sky), vintage apple boxes we bought to find a home for my fat belly Buddha, a little white bench that provides wonderful spot for the afternoon nap, all cracked but still going strong chiminea kept us warm outside all the way through the cold month, selections of bottles with joyful memories... and so on.
Moreover, the garden itself has nurtured us and helped us to be calm. 
It taught us to be the souls that respects of just being.

 

We wanted to make the most of it and that is just what we did.
Toby stirred up the most refreshing Moscow Mule while making sure of the barbe.
I was in charge of the BBQ for two that turned out to be more like a banquet for two. A good one it was, very good way to start the holiday.
Such a lovely weather carried on and we enjoyed doing normal everyday things. A bit of tidying up, putting the washings out and just pottering about doing nothing much really.
And then the heaven opened.
There was a thunder and some heavy rain that came from nowhere. For hours and hours it carried on. 
The tiger was getting married perhaps. My mum used to say this a lot when we have a shower with the sun still smiling at you in the sky. Funny, isn't it?

Blackened pork belly with salty maple glaze




500g pork belly
1/2 tsp cinnamon
2 tbsp soy sauce
1 tsp sugar
1 red chilli, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, grated
1 inch ginger, grated
2 spring onions, finely chopped
1 lime juice
some black pepper




for salty maple glaze
2 tbsp soy sauce
2 tbsp maple syrup
10 tbsp water
1/2 tsp ginger powder
3 tbsp sake
1 tsp sugar
mixture of peppercorns




Start by marinading pork belly. Make sure to score the meat to ensure the marinade to penetrate and to create good crackling.
Mix all marinading ingredients and rub them in and around the meat. I do this with my hands so I can push those lovely flavours into my meat. Don't worry about wet skin. I promise you, you will get a good crackling as you finish it off the barbe.
You can leave the meat for anything between 1hour to overnight.


When ready, fill your baking dish with some water half way up to the meat while making sure not to touch the crackling part of the meat. Cover them with foil tightly.
This will be cooked in the oven (175º) for around 2 hours.


To make the salty maple glaze, add all ingredients together into the small sauce pan apart from maple syrup. Bring them up to boil and simmer until the mixture thickens and become syrupy. Take it off the heat and stir in the maple syrup.


Now get you barbe ready (or you can do this under the grill if you like), and cook your pork belly skin side down first to crisp them up. It will take no time. And don't panic if your crackling looks dark. It is the soy giving the belly a little more colour.
Once you are happy with the result, put them on the board and brush them with generous helping of maple glaze.
I prefer to glaze them at the end. However, if you like the belly more sticky, you can glaze them while they are on the BBQ (or under the grill) as well.


I had them wrapped in round lettuce and some chilli dipping sauce, Korean way.
Hope you enjoy.

So this was our farewell.
The weather was on our side, stunningly warm and glorious. The time was also on our hands, giving us all the opportunities to plan and proceed. And more importantly, our friends were here to take part, engraving the most wonderful memories of all time in this garden for us.

I opened Tokaji.
It has been waiting for long to be celebrated sitting quietly in our booze corner and it seemed like a perfect moment.
Celebration!
The first ever garden that made me have fun connecting with the all things green and those flies.
The first chapter of our life together and the first place that made us strong.
And I wish not to, forget...

As he scored, she was touched.

I wasn't quite sure how it was going to all work out.
It sounded like a good plan though.
All we had to do was to turn up at the right venue discreetly.

What if she finds out? What if we get caught? What if we fail to make it altogether?
The only obstacle was her, our 'Mission #B'.

About 3 weeks ago, Toby's brother in law P facebooked Toby about his grande plan of night away in London with his beautiful wife, B.
He asked us if we would like to join them. We said yes and there, we were signed up for the mission where we become a little surprise for their romantic getaway.
How lovely of P to plan the night away, I thought.
And as if that wasn't enough, he goes that extra mile to arrange such a thing so his wife could catch up with her brother in town.
Now, come on, that is romantic! Was he for real?
I was well impressed!

P, I applaud you!

We arrive and succeed surprising B.
She hugs us with real good squeeze, 'I'm letting you know how much I appreciate' kind of squeeze, and a little  tears of joy.
P gets well deserved kisses and stocks up on brownie points for the rest of the month.

We loosen up with the crowd listening to the live performance of 'Hot Fiction' at Silver Bullet.
And we chat about family.


Knowing that we care, we were all moved.

Amazingly dressed purple sprouting broccoli

200g purple sprouting broccoli
1 garlic clove, chopped
pinch of crushed chilli
pinch of fennel seeds, dry roasted
handful of tarragon, finely chopped
1 tomato
nob of butter
olive oil
salt and pepper
1/2 lemon juice



Start preparing the dish by parboiling broccolis for couple of minutes and cooling them instantly in ice cold water.

Heat the frying pan with little olive oil and some butter. Put garlic and crushed chilli into the pan to infuse the flavour over medium heat. Add the broccolis, tarragon to the pan and squeeze or squash the tomato by your hands into the dish so all the soft bits of tomato goes into the dish. (Honestly!)

Season them with salt and pepper. Add 1/2 of lemon juice to taste.
Toss them well together.

Now, dish them up with good sprinkles of fennel seeds.
It is very important to dry roast the fennel seeds. Trust me, it does make all the difference to the dish.
They are just delicious!

It is nice to know that we love.

I bumped into these fellas

They were big boys.

They were round... good handfuls.

I've never met them before, so I was a bit shy introducing myself. 

I walked pass them, gave them a quick glance, pretended being busy otherwise and then... thought, maybe I'll give them a go.

It was kind of awkward approaching these fellas. 

I wasn't quite sure how they will respond to what I had in my mind. As I got closer, OMG, they were just SO handsome.

I've not seen anything so perfect for quite some time. Those amazingly soft skin, perfectly smooth and even complexion and the beautiful presence! 

I could not resist.

I had to have them, feel them and get to know them, you know.

And do you know what?

They didn't let me down.

Chargrilled round courgettes in minty olive oil

3 round courgettes, sliced

2 garlic cloves, sliced

handful of fresh mint, thinly sliced

2 kaffir lime leaves, thinly sliced

1tsp dried oregano

olive oil

juice from 1 lemon

salt and pepper

First of all, chargrilling the courgettes. You can do this on very hot griddle pan. There's no need to oil the pan or the courgettes as long as the pan is hot. 

Do not be tempted to turn them too quickly or too often. Just leave them to be until the side you're cooking is completely done.

When they are done, put them in a large bowl. As you are piling them into the bowl, it will start to steam a little within.

Heat small pan with a little olive oil just enough to fry the garlic slices. Make sure they are golden on both sides. When ready, put them aside.

Now make this mega fresh dressing.

Put mint, kaffir lime lives and oregano in pestle and mortar with good drizzle of olive oil. Make sure to add salt and pepper and start mixing. As you're doing this, the oil will start to turn beautifully green.

Add lemon juice to your oil to your taste.

Pour the dressing over the courgettes and toss them well with fried garlic slices. Finish it with a little more fresh mint. 

And most importantly, enjoy!

I'm so glad I found you, lovely round courgettes!