In pursuit of.

I left my day job.

I am sitting by the window in my kitchen/living that overlooks my side turn wall which has many objects that Toby and I have accumulated over the past 12 years of our life together.

I see the 'no smoking in the marquee!' blackboard sign that Toby wrote for our wedding festival. The garden wire that holds the thing together is looking a bit rusty, but my memories of the glorious summer of 2013 that marked our togetherness in a true style of us-ness are still going strong.

To the left of the blackboard, it's a vintage art deco mirror that was delivered broken which we felt too sad to throw away. It's covered in dust and million pieces of Toby's facial hair shavings, but still, it looks very happy to be given a second lease of life.

To the right, is a small blue pretend vintage metal signage that says 'chickens for sale here'. We picked it up few years ago from our local garden centre. Back in those days, my mum used to always ask me about the prospect of possible offspring and referred her future grandchild as 'a chicken'. She is funny like that.
We even subtitled our westival'...and then there will be chicken(s)...', and here we are. We do have a 14 months old chicken. And Toby says we're not allowed to call her dual heritage as it makes her sound more like tomatoes.

The thought of our chicken and us playing mama, dada and Kiki, never fails to make me laugh. It fills every empty holes in my bones and keeps me warm, whole and complete.

I never thought I would say this.

But indeed, having child does change you.

I suddenly started to see the world in a different way. 
Even with my sleep deprived frazzled brain and forever twitchy eyes, I'm somehow a bit more generous, more forgiving and much more empathetic than I've ever been. 
The balancing act of working on the project-life, Kiki and having a bit of life can sometimes feel nothing more than just negotiating my way through million different types of guilt. More than often I worry if I am being selfish by asking her to play on her own for a moment.
Some days will go so slow that I get fed up at clock watching every other second. Some other days will fly by and I would be wondering where the day has gone. And yes, for sure, my occasional but desperate wish for Toby to come home and rescue me, from our pretty evil eyed, non-negotiable little terror, that resembles nothing but me and my partner in crime is arguably the lowest point of my mothering game that I would not be boasting about on my cv. 
But deep amongst these unpredictable day to day craziness, just as I feel like I've used all my reserves and wonder I might not be cut for this, I see the little human I created singing the twinkle twinkle in the language that she only understands, but somehow assures me that I am doing good and that we will, very soon, be able to speak the same lingo. 
She reaches out for my hands and gives me the slobbery smacker. Nice.

And that, the triumphantly delightful moments that swings by out from nowhere, to reaffirm you, indeed you're working on life, is what makes it all worth it. Hard work but so so special.
Then you start to sense and see the real frame of time. Even with oh-I-am-so-exhausted state of mind, you realised you've never been so clear about what is important in life.
And you really don't want to waste a single minute on doing things that no longer feels right to you. 

I suddenly have that mother thing; the natural animal instinct of wanting to protect my own tribe; wanting to provide all I can for the better survival of my brood.
As I watch my little terror bastardise away the box of tissues, spice drawers, television remote control and anything and everything she can get her hands on, I realise that this little tiny human is learning everyday from the way we do and live.
I can't think of better way to teach her, than setting up a good examples myself by living my own life to its full potential. So she can look back when she's a bit older, to know that her mother was an inspiring woman, who taught her by bettering her own self.

Coconut Oil Roasted Masala Potatoes and Fried Egg
Serves 2 as brunch

350g baby potatoes, quartered
good extra virgin raw coconut oil, such as Vita Coco
1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1/2 tsp fennel seeds
1/2 tsp coriander seeds
1/4 tsp onion seeds
pinch of chilli flakes
1/4 tsp mustard seeds
1 onion, finely chopped
1/2 red pepper, thinly sliced
1 clove of garlic, minced
1/2 inch ginger, grated
1/2 tbsp tomato paste
1/2 fresh lime juice
some fresh chilli, finely chopped (optional)
handful fresh coriander, roughly chopped
couple of eggs for frying

Well, good people at Vita Coco had sent me their coconut oil to try.
Although I don't tend to do product reviews as such, since I already am a huge fan of good organic coconut oil, I gave it a go.

If you're already familiar with coconut oil, you will understand that the depth of coconut flavours in oil varies depending on brands. Some of you might prefer stronger coconut flavour and others, like myself might lean towards milder ones.
Vita Coco's new extra virgin raw coconut oil is very good. 
It has distinctive coconut flavour but when used in Indian-esq recipe, it compliments the dish really well. It makes deliciously creamy porridge and wonderful to cook thick banana pancakes with. It's a goodun.

This recipe on the other hand is good all arounder to have it up your sleeve. It can cure badass hangover, nurture stinking cold or just simply fill those hungry holes.
I am adding fried eggs on top but poached will be healthier option if that's what tickles your fancy. You could serve this alongside with some roasted meat if you wanted to man up, or add some bacon rashers instead. Fried or grilled fish coated in some tandoori style spices  will also go very well with this.

Set your oven to 180º and put your baking tray in the oven with a good spoonful of coconut oil so it can get really hot.
Quickly boil potatoes for 5 mins with little salt, drain, and let them cool down a bit.
Dry roast cumin, fennel, coriander seeds until they release the aroma and ground them in pestle and mortar or spice grinder.
Put potatoes, ground spices, onion seeds, chilli flakes with some salt and pepper, mix well with spoon as the oil will be hot, and roast them for good 25mins or so until they appear slightly crisp on the edges.

While potatoes are cooking, place medium sauce pan or frying pan big enough to hold all of your potatoes, over low heat. Put little coconut oil, mustard seeds and gently fry the onions until they're soft and golden. Add sliced red peppers, garlic and ginger. Fry them till peppers are soften a bit then add tomato paste and cook them down for another 5mins or so. You may need a little more oil at this point just so you can cook the paste a bit. 
Add a splash of water enough to loosen the sauce and simmer for 15mins with the lid on. If the mixture dries out, just add a little more water.

Now, add your roasted potatoes into sauce, chopped chilli and coriander can be added at this stage as well as splash of lime juice to freshen things up. Give the whole thing a minute or two to mingle in the sauce over the low heat.
Season to taste and serve them with fried egg. 
Good sprinkle of Dukkah adds a good texture but that is just my preference.

I positioned myself directly opposite to those three random but meaningful nicknacks to cheer me up, as I badly sketch up some designs for my new adventure. Tomorrow my sewing machine arrives. I'll position it exactly where I am. 
As I rustle my way into this world of unknown, I am sure there will be doubts, fear and maybe some tears. But I hope the familiar surroundings, especially the chickens for sale signage will remind me why I'm braving and of course, that I am a mother.

she, who cries.

Family is a strange thing.

Last time when my family came over to stay with me, we had our fair share of unforgettable moments. 
The excitement of much longed reunion, misunderstanding of the cultural differences, love and hate that only existed in our shared blood that couldn't be forgotten, laughter and sadness of family's misfortune; all spread out evenly to the giant piece of lost time blanket, every bite was a mouthful I struggle to swallow.

Although I was so very excited have them all; although I had all those plans of treating them with something special everyday; although I told myself several times that I would make sure they'd have a lovely time during their visit, when the day finally came to unfold its story, I found myself standing one step further away from the family I was born into and two steps closer to the family that I married into.
My family from home was a distant memories of the past that once existed. 
I've been living as they've been living theirs. We have been busy with the duties of living in two different cities over the decade, that the girl they remember wasn't a girl anymore, and the family wasn't the family anymore. My sister wasn't a little sister who once wrote me tearful poem about the butterflies in cocoon. My brother wasn't a sweet little boy that I used to cuddle. 
Everyone had all grown with the time. And with the time and the distance, we have all grown apart. Miles away. 
Perhaps it was my fault, that I let it happen that way.

It's been over four months since I spoke to any of my family.
And it has been about the same since I sent them a thank you card to say my thank you, and to say sorry if they ever felt I didn't look after them well enough.
But I still haven't heard, and I can't seem to be able to pick that phone up, even just to say 'hello'.

Strange thing is, it isn't as if something bad had happened. 
Okay. Yes, there was an argument or two like every other families do, but it wasn't anything serious that would have caused any upset to anyone.
Although it angered me that my mum cried her eyes out for an almost entire day, two days before my wedding party, screaming that her heart had been used by a boyfriend of hers, I knew she probably just wanted someone to comfort her. Although my dad's attempt to give me a pep talk and the lack of his appreciation of everything Toby and I had done really infuriated me, I knew he probably just wanted to be a dad.
But as the days went on, I felt myself looking into them from few steps away, outside the little circle. That transparent wall that I couldn't see was clearly there, and I was stood one step too far away. 
As we watched each other from the distanced circle through the transparent wall, I think, we've all realised that maybe, we couldn't break that wall. 
The invisible transparent wall was already cemented deep into the grounds of our lost time blanket, now was too late. 
Too late to compromise. Too late to demolish such a solidified differences. 
I was me and they were them.
It wasn't anyone's fault. Just one of those things.
Part of growing up; growing older.

Mixed Vegetable Rice (Bibimbap)
Serves 2

2 portions of steamed rice, kept warm.
2 fried eggs
1-2tbsp Gochujang (Korean fermented chilli paste)
little drizzle of sesame oil

for the mushrooms
4-5 dried shiitake mushrooms
1/2tbsp mirin
1tbsp soy sauce
1tsp sesame oil 
1/2 tsp runny honey
1/2 garlic clove, minced
pinch of white pepper
little oil for frying

for the spinach
200-300g spinach
1/2 tbsp spring onion, minced
1/2 garlic clove, minced
1/2tsp soy sauce
pinch of salt
pinch of sugar
pinch of toasted sesame seed
pinch of white pepper
little drizzle of sesame oil

for the carrots
1 carrot, thinly sliced like matchsticks
pinch of salt
little oil for frying

For me, good vegetarian dishes should have solid back bone that gives you a satisfactory bite. There is no reason why you won't be satisfied if the vegetables are handled and cooked with this in mind.
I think well flavoured shiitake mushrooms in this dish does just that. It is meaty. 
Each individual vegetables cooked with care, and a good dollop of spicy fermented chilli paste as a binder, the whole thing comes together as one quite well.

Although I am only using few vegetables, you could easily use anything you have in your fridge to substitute what I used or add a few extra to make it even more exciting.
Traditional recipes call for well seasoned sauteed courgettes or bean sprouts and the garnish of sliced or minced beef. Some others opt for generous helping of wonderful shell fish to substitute the beef.
I kept mine very simple, but cooked the rice in traditional stone pot to give it ever so slightly crunch bottom, which is just a delight to eat.
With regards to the eggs, you can use poached if you prefer. And if you are like my dad, you might even decide to have the raw egg cracked into the warm finished dish to give it a extra silkiness. 

For the mushrooms.
Rehydrate the mushrooms with some hot water for 30mins or so. Squeeze the excess water out but keep the mushroom soaked water on a side for later. Slice the mushrooms thinly.
In a small mixing bowl, add the rest of the ingredients with the sliced mushrooms and marinade them for 10mins or so to allow the mushrooms to soak up the flavour.
If you are using fresh mushrooms, make sure to blanch them first to remove excess water. This process will help you to retain the good texture and intense flavour of the mushrooms.
When ready, saute gently with little oil over medium heat for few minutes. Add some mushroom soaked water to the pan, lower the heat and simmer for further 5mins or so.

For the spinach.
Blanch the spinach, squeeze the excess water and put aside.
Using pestle and mortar, roughly ground toasted sesame seed with pinch of salt.
In a mixing bowl, add all ingredients and bring it together. Mixing it with hands will allow you to evenly coat the spinach with the seasoning.
Season with little more salt if necessary.

For the carrots.
Gently fry the carrots in little oil until carrots are softened, and season with salt.

To put this dish together, divide warm cooked rice into two large-ish serving bowls and arrange the vegetables on top of the rice. Top with fried eggs, drizzle of sesame oil for extra nuttiness, and serve with generous helping of Gochujang.
The best way to eat this?
Mix them together with a good dollop of Gochujang, and dig in.
It is delicious goodness in a big bowl!

And maybe, that was why we cried when we hugged saying our goodbyes. 
Trying to capture the moment. 
Feeling every bit of our own flesh and blood with the bitter sweet love rushing through our bones and veins, maybe we hoped, the only moment that we breathed in the same warm air to linger on for a bit longer.

not one of those again.

When Toby and I took a week off earlier this month, in an attempt to finish off our ever lasting  home renovation marathon, we got nowhere near to the finish line.

During the entire week of our holiday together, we relentlessly sanded the old sash window frames creating more mess than making good of it, painted the sashes in no particular order which resulted more frustrations than the satisfaction, and just to make things little more challenging for us, we weren't too lucky with the ever so changeable weather in London either.

We spent the whole week working, covered in dust, wearing dirty combats and jogging bottoms without having to brush our hair and we clearly looked the part in the building site.

We never once shouted at each other although we did yell at the innocent windows or paints for being difficult.

We didn't particularly made a huge effort to pay attention to each other but shared a great laughter in an affectionate way.

Although we had not been able to accomplish our target goal of finishing the project, we were indeed pleased with how the week went and by Sunday I was even feeling a bit sad for it coming to an end.

But where did it go wrong?

Well, I became the monster, hormonal monster to be precise.

I never once in million years thought, I will ever be that emotional. 

Obviously being a girl, you do have that certain week in the month where you may feel a little  emotional and act a bit irrational. But I never have been so catastrophically hormonal in my entire life of 32 years.

Two days after I told Toby how lovely things were, I was moaning how things need changing!

Of course, by the end of the week, when I came round to be rational again, for once, I apologised to Toby for being pain in the bum.

The problem was, come to think of it, we were going through some enormous changes in our lives and I think I was a bit sacred.

It wasn't about the decision to commit our lives together in one pot in the eyes of the law that I was scared of, but to create a family in near future had made me want to be sure.

I was in need of reassurances that he will be able to deal with those irrational hormonal changes when the pregnancy does happen. I had to know that he will be my magical mirror who will say I look beautiful when I feel fat and ugly, even if I may be at my biggest and largest.

These were the worries of mine that needed to be discussed so he knows what to do in case of these horrific, irrational and emotional impromptu moments occur.
A bit like health and safety training for both of our sanity, you know.

Anyway, the conclusion was brought to the table after a few pints of cider.

The man with the few words spoke out loud and delivered one of the loveliest theories of his, to my surprise.

He says getting on and getting on well throughout our life time together in peace as a team is what's romantic; not the bunch of occasional flowers, not the rare weekend treats and etc. It is the everydayness that counts in a long run.

Well, what more could I have said to that?... 

Kimchi Fried Rice
serves 2

140g pork shoulders, cut in strips
1tbsp mirin
1tsp Korean chilli paste
1/2 tbsp soy sauce
1tsp sugar
1/2 onion, chopped
200g kimchi, chopped
220g rice, cooked
1tbsp sesame oil
2 eggs for frying
some rapeseed oil for frying
some toasted sesame seed
handful of fresh dill, chopped
some black pepper

I grew up in the household where Kimchi was never in short supply and as far as I remember, this was the first ever dish I taught myself to cook when I was a young girl and experimented to cook better from then on.
Most of Koreans have their own versions of this dish, just like they do with Kimchi itself. 
Giving that the rice and Kimchi is on hand, it is not really that difficult to put this dish together for an unassuming plate of flavours and textures.

I use quick marinaded pork shoulders to give the dish an extra depth of falvour in this recipe but you can use bacon, leftover ham or even prawns, if you prefer. Some Koreans opt for tinned tuna. So be creative and use whatever you fancy.

So, start by making the pork marinade by mixing the mirin, chilli paste, soy, sugar and black pepper. Add the pork to the marinade, stir well and set aside.

Gently fry the onions over medium heat for 5 mins and add chopped kimchi including all the juices. Fry the mixture for further 5mins stirring occasionally then add the marinaded pork.
After about 8-10mins, add the cooked rice, fry them gently for further 5mins and give it a good stir every now and then.

Now, this is the very important part.
In my opinion, kimchi fried rice should always have a slightly crispy bottom, like jewelled rice.
You want to make sure the rice at the bottom of the pan gets a chance to crisp up lightly but not burnt.
Make sure to lower the heat, spread the rice evenly over the pan, pat them down a little and let them crisp up for 5mins or so. 
Don't be tempted to stir and to stop the temptation, I have a job for you; fry your eggs.

The garnish of fried eggs actually is just as substantial part as the main act itself. Not only that the soft egg yolk contributes a little silkiness to every mouthful of what could be super spicy but also the very plain egg white really balances the spiciness. 
So fry those eggs with extra TLC.

Now drizzle some sesame oil over rice, sprinkle some sesame seeds and there goes your beautifully fried eggs.
I garnished mine with some fresh dill but it is more usual practice to use toasted seaweed. 
All there is left to do, is just get your spoons into these wonderfully spicy comfort food.
Enjoy!

I must say, this time, he was quite right.