if you ever ask me.

I don't know about you, but I tend to do most of thinking in the car on my way to work.

When I was first learning to drive, I never though I'd be able to do anything other than just driving.
At that time, everything felt like such an effort to remember. Changing gears, minding the road and fellow drivers, steering left and right whilst making the correct turns, it felt like an impossible mission for someone who doesn't have much space awareness. I quite literally bump into everybody everywhere which often drives Toby mad, and it can be embarrassing when it happens too frequently.

When my instructor assured me that one day, it will all make sense and indeed it will become a second nature, I didn't believe him. 

I think I gave him the look as if to say, 'yeah... right.'.

It didn't take me long to realise, that he was right.

Most of the latter part of last year, I spent a lot of time thinking, on my journey to work in the car.

I am not exactly certain whether it was the marriage thing that got under my skin, or the pressure of work load, but I was very, very emotional. 

Thought of making changes to our lives when things were going alright definitely scared me. I was sure that I wanted to be with this person that I shared past almost 9 years of my life with, but I wasn't sure if we had the strength to make the marriage a right thing.

We came out with little cracks in our souls, sort of wounds that perhaps needed an unconditional loving and caring.

I don't know why the focuses were on the negatives, and neither of us knew how to deal with it. The more I tried to fight my corners, the more it went wrong. The more I tried to talk, the more we argued with defence. It was really hard. It was all far too much of an effort for very little rewards that felt so unreasonable.

I think we both were learning.

Earlier this year, however, was altogether the different story.

It felt like the moment that I realised I could drive whilst listening to the radio, planning my day ahead and even having a sip of drink, had come.

We were the same people doing the same old things except, that everything felt so much more respected and grounded, as if we had finally found the peace within ourselves.

It all started to make sense.

You know, I don't know what happens to other people, or my next door neighbours.
What I know is that, all our lives sometimes takes its unexpected turns. For better or for worse, it is the turn we just have to get through one way or the other.

As much as I couldn't stand the moments that we constantly argued like we were two enemies on the mission to kill each other, now I am on the other side seeing the light, for me it was that moments of continuous efforts to fight, made us to be who we are. And I am very, very glad we never gave up that fight.

Looking back, I think that's what I was most scared of.

What if one day, we just couldn't be bothered to care. What if giving up becomes a preferable option than trying. What if, if we ever forget how we got here.

But then I remembered, I used to say to Toby, we can't live our lives in what ifs.

Silly me.

Roasted Sweet Potato Taco

Serves 2

for the flat bread taco shells

70g rice flour

70g plan flour, plus little extra for dusting

2tbsp natural yogurt

some olive oil or softened butter

pinch of salt

some luke warm water

for the sweet potatoes

2-3 sweet potatoes, cubed

1 tsp cumin seed

1/2 tsp dried chilli flakes

some olive oil

pinch of salt and pepper

for the spicy slaw

1/2 small red cabbage (about 200g)

1 medium carrot

1 small red onion

1inch ginger, grated

1/2 tbsp fish sauce

1/2 tsp palm sugar

1 fresh lime juice

1/2 fresh orange juice

pinch of salt and white pepper

small fresh chilli to taste

for the crushed avocado

1 ripe avocado, crushed

1/2 red onion, finely chopped

1 garlic clove, finely chopped

1 small tomato, finely chopped

1/2 fresh lime juice

handful of fresh coriander, chopped

some olive oil

pinch of salt and pepper

small fresh chilli to taste

for the garnish

some natural yogurt

lemon juice

pinch of sumac

Okay, here's the thing.

Like those moments I've been babbling about, mastering my own taco shells took me few errors in making. To get to the point where it felt effortless to produce such an outcome, I must say, there had been quite tricky. But don't be put off by it at all.

By all means, the beauty of this dish is that, you can make it as easy and as fuss free as you like. You can just buy ready made taco shells, simply opt for an ordinary coleslaw, and use shop bought guacamole.

It doesn't have to be just so. But do roast the sweet potatoes yourself, because for me, lightly spiced sweet potatoes are just to die for.

First of all, put all ingredients for sweet potatoes into the baking dish, and roast them for 35mins or so at 200º.

Mean while, make your spicy slaw. You can do this by chopping up all the ingredients really fine by hand, or pushing them through the food processor to shred them.
Once the cabbage, carrot and onions are shredded, add salt and put them into the colander for about 20mins or so to remove excess water. Once all the excess water is drained, put shredded vegetables into a large mixing bowl and add ginger, sugar, pepper, fish sauce, lime juice, orange juice and chilli to taste.

For the avocado, I crush my avocado with fork because I prefer the texture it gives. When you blitz them with the hand blender, although there's nothing wrong with it at all, I found the whole thing a bit too mushy for me.
So it is entirely up to you to decide how you want to have them.

To make the taco shells, mix all ingredients, and work the dough until it becomes supple.
Divide the dough into four, and roll them out on to the floured surface to make into four small discs.
Once rolled, brush them with little oil, heat heavy based pan, and cook them for two minutes or so on each side on medium heat.
The trick here is to make sure not to over cook them. Take them off the heat immediately, and gently mould it into the shape whilst it's still warm. As it cools down, it will become harder to shape.

As I think this is a great sharing plate, I will probably put all the components on the table and get people to help themselves. Although I am serving mine with natural yogurt, you could throw in some sour cream instead.
Hope you enjoy.

Hope you are not giving up that fight any time soon.

Because, as much as it may sound corny, in the end, it will all be worth it.

we made the fire.

You know, I was going to babble you about the fishing trip that my dad used to take me to when I was younger. I tried hard to jog my memories back and tried my upmost to write them all down here, so I can share those magical moments with you. But I found it hard. It's proven rather difficult.

Such a moment, that has been wrapped up tightly with so much emotions, isn't the kind of thing you can share by talking perhaps.

Growing up, I didn't have very good relationship with my dad unfortunately. 
It wasn't until very recently that I have learnt to understand him for who he is really. I'm pretty sure he will say the same about me.

I think we were two strong characters with very different ideas about way of life. 

We used to argue day in, day out until he shouted 'Under my roof, my rules!'. 
I was so desperate to get away from that roof, the roof that sheltered me for all the wrong reasons. What he expected of me seemed so far from what could be achieved or what I wanted to pursue. I just wanted get out and do my own thing so desperately. And that desperation eventually brought me here, to London.

I remember my dad yelling at me once, that he didn't believe I will be able to last here as I have been a quitter for all those years he remembered. He more than often used say I give up things too easily. It was so harsh things to hear, I know. But that was my dad. And I know why he said that. 
He knew if he said that, I would work harder and make sure I last, just so I can prove him wrong. He knew his daughter too well.

The man with very few words congratulated me on my first return visit home, almost 3 years after landing in London.

My first camping trip few weekends ago reminded me a lot of the fishing trip. 
Being out in the wild with very little convenience, gave us a chance to appreciate each other's company. Hearing nothing but the birds singing, we could hear our voices better. Looking after the fire that kept us warm and full, we learnt to be patient. Searching for the stars in the dark, we found each other in different light. Walking along the muddy woodlands, we spent time helping each other. We made an effort to talk. Not to upset each other, not to demand anything but just to keep each other's company happy. 

Sweet lentil and goats cheese salad
serves 2

for the salad
80g puy lentil
1-2 shallot, finely sliced (save little bit for the dressing)
some cooked and pickled beetroots, thinly sliced
some mild goats cheese
some olive oil
salt and pepper

for the chilli and coriander dressing
some finely chopped shallots
1 1/2tbsp cider vinegar
1tsp caster sugar
pinch of salt
pinch of crushed chilli
handful of fresh coriander, finely chopped
1tbsp olive oil

This is simple and humble plate of food that is perfect served on its own as a light lunch or as a side with beautifully grilled meat. Gently fried shallots add lovely sweet flavour to the lentils whilst shallots in the dressing keeps the dish fresh and light.

First of all, cook your lentils with plenty of water and pinch of salt for 20-25mins. You want them to be cooked through but still have a bite to them. Once ready, drain well.
Meanwhile, in a small bowl, mix all the ingredients for the dressing except the olive oil. Set it aside. Add the olive oil in when you are ready to bring things together.

Now, gently fry the shallots in little olive oil until dark golden. 
Add the well drained lentils to the fried shallots as well as the sliced beetroots.
Bring things together by dressing them generously with prepared chilli and coriander dressing. Season with black pepper.
Plate up, add your goats cheese, drizzle little more dressing over the salad and tuck in.

I treasure the fishing trips with dad. It is one of the very few memories that is not tainted with anger. Every moment I can picture of those trips has an ordinary father and daughter loving each other the way that I saw in others.

In the thick of it all.

It's not that often I get to experience people arguing first handedly other than, my own arguments that I have with those who happens to share a slightly different views from time to time, and even rarer, to hear it in Korean.

I kind of got sucked into it and sort of listen to it without realising that I was, indeed, listening. I listened while pretending to shop, very slowly. As if, I had an extensive shopping list that I'd forgotten to bring it with me. As if, I was trying my damn hardest to jog my memories back while browsing every single items on the shelve thinking, 'oh, was this it?', when actually, the focuses were on the other side of the counter where much more fun things, and of course this would be for their expenses unfortunately, were happening.

I think the lady was a bit embarrassed with the whole situation and she kept telling her husband to stop.

From the previous conversations I had with her husband, I know she is his wife and this is their shop. It is fairly small grocery store but specialises mostly Korean and some Japanese products that will bring home to any Korean.

Funny thing was though, it reminded me of my parents. 

It took me straight back to my parents' shop where they worked together for their dream, where they bickered with no ends, and where they fought hard for success.

My dad used to tell my mum to stop, stop talking. He is a man with very few words and he never really liked the tedious arguments. But she would go on and on, until my dad looses his temper. My dad would just walk away. 

I used to hate looking at his back. With his shoulders all crouched and his feet so heavy, he looked ever so sad, helpless and tired.

The lady at the grocery store, shyly apologised for the atmosphere.

I smiled, and said it was all okay.

Hot Chilli Pepper Tofu

1 pack of firm tofu, cubed

1 tbsp corn flour

1 small onion, finely chopped

2 garlic cloves, chopped

1/2 inch ginger, chopped

1 fiery chilli, chopped

1 1/2 tbsp soy sauce

1/2 tsp sugar

1/2 tsp corn syrup

1 tsp sesame oil

60ml water

pinch of chilli powder

pinch of toasted sesame seeds

some finely chopped spring onion

some vegetable oil

salt and pepper

I love tofu. It is one of those ingredient that carries flavours very well and depends on how you cook them, it changes its texture from soft and tender to crisp and crunchy.

This dish is easy to prepare and simple flavour combinations of hot and sweet works wonders.

First of all, pat dry tofu before you cube them to remove excess water and coat them lightly with corn flour. Add pinch of salt and generous helpings of freshly cracked black and white pepper. 

Heat some oil into the non stick frying pan over medium to high heat, and gently shallow fry them until golden. This should take around 5mins. Remove cooked tofu cubes and set aside.

Use the same pan, heat some oil and gently fry the chopped onion, garlic, ginger and chilli until onions are softened. I tend to add half the amount of chillies at the beginning to introduce some chilli flavour into the oil and add the other half at the end of the cooking process to keep the freshness.

Once onions are softened, add tofu, soy, sugar and chilli powder along with water. Bring them up to boil and simmer on low heat until tofu has soaked up all the juices. This simmering process allows tofu to take on the flavours of the sauce.

Stir in the corn syrup which will give lovely sheen to the dish and drizzle sesame oil and seeds for the gorgeous nutty flavour.

Sprinkle finely chopped spring onions and dig in.

I, in my heart, whispered. 

After all, it is living, living the life together in the thick of it all.

As he scored, she was touched.

I wasn't quite sure how it was going to all work out.
It sounded like a good plan though.
All we had to do was to turn up at the right venue discreetly.

What if she finds out? What if we get caught? What if we fail to make it altogether?
The only obstacle was her, our 'Mission #B'.

About 3 weeks ago, Toby's brother in law P facebooked Toby about his grande plan of night away in London with his beautiful wife, B.
He asked us if we would like to join them. We said yes and there, we were signed up for the mission where we become a little surprise for their romantic getaway.
How lovely of P to plan the night away, I thought.
And as if that wasn't enough, he goes that extra mile to arrange such a thing so his wife could catch up with her brother in town.
Now, come on, that is romantic! Was he for real?
I was well impressed!

P, I applaud you!

We arrive and succeed surprising B.
She hugs us with real good squeeze, 'I'm letting you know how much I appreciate' kind of squeeze, and a little  tears of joy.
P gets well deserved kisses and stocks up on brownie points for the rest of the month.

We loosen up with the crowd listening to the live performance of 'Hot Fiction' at Silver Bullet.
And we chat about family.


Knowing that we care, we were all moved.

Amazingly dressed purple sprouting broccoli

200g purple sprouting broccoli
1 garlic clove, chopped
pinch of crushed chilli
pinch of fennel seeds, dry roasted
handful of tarragon, finely chopped
1 tomato
nob of butter
olive oil
salt and pepper
1/2 lemon juice



Start preparing the dish by parboiling broccolis for couple of minutes and cooling them instantly in ice cold water.

Heat the frying pan with little olive oil and some butter. Put garlic and crushed chilli into the pan to infuse the flavour over medium heat. Add the broccolis, tarragon to the pan and squeeze or squash the tomato by your hands into the dish so all the soft bits of tomato goes into the dish. (Honestly!)

Season them with salt and pepper. Add 1/2 of lemon juice to taste.
Toss them well together.

Now, dish them up with good sprinkles of fennel seeds.
It is very important to dry roast the fennel seeds. Trust me, it does make all the difference to the dish.
They are just delicious!

It is nice to know that we love.