if you ever ask me.

I don't know about you, but I tend to do most of thinking in the car on my way to work.

When I was first learning to drive, I never though I'd be able to do anything other than just driving.
At that time, everything felt like such an effort to remember. Changing gears, minding the road and fellow drivers, steering left and right whilst making the correct turns, it felt like an impossible mission for someone who doesn't have much space awareness. I quite literally bump into everybody everywhere which often drives Toby mad, and it can be embarrassing when it happens too frequently.

When my instructor assured me that one day, it will all make sense and indeed it will become a second nature, I didn't believe him. 

I think I gave him the look as if to say, 'yeah... right.'.

It didn't take me long to realise, that he was right.

Most of the latter part of last year, I spent a lot of time thinking, on my journey to work in the car.

I am not exactly certain whether it was the marriage thing that got under my skin, or the pressure of work load, but I was very, very emotional. 

Thought of making changes to our lives when things were going alright definitely scared me. I was sure that I wanted to be with this person that I shared past almost 9 years of my life with, but I wasn't sure if we had the strength to make the marriage a right thing.

We came out with little cracks in our souls, sort of wounds that perhaps needed an unconditional loving and caring.

I don't know why the focuses were on the negatives, and neither of us knew how to deal with it. The more I tried to fight my corners, the more it went wrong. The more I tried to talk, the more we argued with defence. It was really hard. It was all far too much of an effort for very little rewards that felt so unreasonable.

I think we both were learning.

Earlier this year, however, was altogether the different story.

It felt like the moment that I realised I could drive whilst listening to the radio, planning my day ahead and even having a sip of drink, had come.

We were the same people doing the same old things except, that everything felt so much more respected and grounded, as if we had finally found the peace within ourselves.

It all started to make sense.

You know, I don't know what happens to other people, or my next door neighbours.
What I know is that, all our lives sometimes takes its unexpected turns. For better or for worse, it is the turn we just have to get through one way or the other.

As much as I couldn't stand the moments that we constantly argued like we were two enemies on the mission to kill each other, now I am on the other side seeing the light, for me it was that moments of continuous efforts to fight, made us to be who we are. And I am very, very glad we never gave up that fight.

Looking back, I think that's what I was most scared of.

What if one day, we just couldn't be bothered to care. What if giving up becomes a preferable option than trying. What if, if we ever forget how we got here.

But then I remembered, I used to say to Toby, we can't live our lives in what ifs.

Silly me.

Roasted Sweet Potato Taco

Serves 2

for the flat bread taco shells

70g rice flour

70g plan flour, plus little extra for dusting

2tbsp natural yogurt

some olive oil or softened butter

pinch of salt

some luke warm water

for the sweet potatoes

2-3 sweet potatoes, cubed

1 tsp cumin seed

1/2 tsp dried chilli flakes

some olive oil

pinch of salt and pepper

for the spicy slaw

1/2 small red cabbage (about 200g)

1 medium carrot

1 small red onion

1inch ginger, grated

1/2 tbsp fish sauce

1/2 tsp palm sugar

1 fresh lime juice

1/2 fresh orange juice

pinch of salt and white pepper

small fresh chilli to taste

for the crushed avocado

1 ripe avocado, crushed

1/2 red onion, finely chopped

1 garlic clove, finely chopped

1 small tomato, finely chopped

1/2 fresh lime juice

handful of fresh coriander, chopped

some olive oil

pinch of salt and pepper

small fresh chilli to taste

for the garnish

some natural yogurt

lemon juice

pinch of sumac

Okay, here's the thing.

Like those moments I've been babbling about, mastering my own taco shells took me few errors in making. To get to the point where it felt effortless to produce such an outcome, I must say, there had been quite tricky. But don't be put off by it at all.

By all means, the beauty of this dish is that, you can make it as easy and as fuss free as you like. You can just buy ready made taco shells, simply opt for an ordinary coleslaw, and use shop bought guacamole.

It doesn't have to be just so. But do roast the sweet potatoes yourself, because for me, lightly spiced sweet potatoes are just to die for.

First of all, put all ingredients for sweet potatoes into the baking dish, and roast them for 35mins or so at 200º.

Mean while, make your spicy slaw. You can do this by chopping up all the ingredients really fine by hand, or pushing them through the food processor to shred them.
Once the cabbage, carrot and onions are shredded, add salt and put them into the colander for about 20mins or so to remove excess water. Once all the excess water is drained, put shredded vegetables into a large mixing bowl and add ginger, sugar, pepper, fish sauce, lime juice, orange juice and chilli to taste.

For the avocado, I crush my avocado with fork because I prefer the texture it gives. When you blitz them with the hand blender, although there's nothing wrong with it at all, I found the whole thing a bit too mushy for me.
So it is entirely up to you to decide how you want to have them.

To make the taco shells, mix all ingredients, and work the dough until it becomes supple.
Divide the dough into four, and roll them out on to the floured surface to make into four small discs.
Once rolled, brush them with little oil, heat heavy based pan, and cook them for two minutes or so on each side on medium heat.
The trick here is to make sure not to over cook them. Take them off the heat immediately, and gently mould it into the shape whilst it's still warm. As it cools down, it will become harder to shape.

As I think this is a great sharing plate, I will probably put all the components on the table and get people to help themselves. Although I am serving mine with natural yogurt, you could throw in some sour cream instead.
Hope you enjoy.

Hope you are not giving up that fight any time soon.

Because, as much as it may sound corny, in the end, it will all be worth it.

and the new beginning for us all.

Good friend of mine at work once mentioned how fed up he was with it all. 

He was upset having to struggle months on ends. To be able to live a little, and to pursuit the passion of his life, he said this job was getting just too depressing. With very little in return of all those hard work and hours that he puts in, he wondered if it was worth it at all, after all.

It was strange, a bit strange to feel like listening to your own voice that you have been trying so hard to avoid to acknowledge.

The same kind of conversation carried on many times after that between us, but never once I thought, he would actually be, leaving. Not because that I have doubted his desire for a new direction but just because, I thought, it was one of those moments that we all go through every now and then. Just so we can dream a little thinking that the life was perhaps, greener on the other side.

The day that he announced that he was leaving for good, we were all very upset. 

It was sad to realise that there wasn't going to be this funny, stomach cramping and sometimes a bit over the top 'ED the Hero' character, who puts a big smile on all of any old sad faces in the salon any more. 

And I was upset that, there will not be any more of those conversations that we shared. The very sort of conversations that I was deeply comforted by.

I gave him a big hug. 

A hug to celebrate his courage for making that next step, the brave step that I always feared to commit.

A few days later, I spoke to my brother to congratulate him for his success in getting a job. 

He said he was just in bit of luck to have been offered such a position. I don't think he realises what a brilliant news it is to the rest of the family. 

For him to be able to secure such a job means, the ray of sunshine to my mum and dad who unfortunately has been lost in the gloomy tunnel. 

It is a delightful hope that will guide them into the positive dreams of making the small steps to find the new beginning.

Scotch Eggs

150g raw king prawns, shells removed

2 small shallots, roughly chopped

1inch root ginger, roughly sliced

1 garlic clove, crushed

1 chilli, roughly chopped

handful of fresh coriander

4 eggs, use 3 for the scotch eggs and 1 lightly beaten for the coating

some plain flour

some breadcrumbs

salt and pepper 

oil for frying

This is not just Scotch Eggs. 

This is very sumptuous scotch eggs covered in aromatic prawn paste that is very light but packed with flavour. The hint of fiery chilli will give you a little kick as you bite into those crispy layer of its outer coat and as you work your way into its runny centre, it will, indeed wow you with its beautifully silky texture.

The most important part of this dish is the boiling of eggs. 

I like to keep my yokes very runny so it can be a bit tricky. Obviously, how you want them is entirely up to you. If you prefer your yokes more cooked through then just cook them for longer. 

I drop my eggs into boiling water with little salt and simmer for about 6mins. Make sure eggs are at room temperature. When they are done, take them out and put them into the ice cold water too cool them. Once cooled, peel them very carefully.

Meanwhile, make the prawn paste by blending shallots, ginger, garlic, fresh coriander, chilli and prawns with little salt and pepper. When they become smooth in consistency and very green in colour, they are ready.

To put things together, you need some cling film.

Place your cling film onto the work surface and spread the prawn paste thinly in the middle, wide enough to cover the egg. Lightly flour the egg and place it onto the centre of the paste that you just spread and lift up the edges of the cling film carefully to cover the egg. 

This may seem very fiddly but you will soon find it easy enough once you get the hang of it.

Now, dust your eggs with little flour, dip them in lightly whisked egg and then onto the breadcrumbs.

The easiest way to do this is to use one hand for the wet ingredients, in this case dipping the eggs into the whisked egg and the other for dry. This way you won't end up with lots of messy fingers.

I used Panko breadcrumbs for this dish. 

They are flaky Japanese breadcrumbs which gives much lighter and crispier finish when fried. But an ordinary breadcrumbs will work fine too.

Finally, fry them in hot oil until golden and enjoy it. 

Delicious with homemade garlic mayonnaise!

The new beginning for us all.